Trip Dates: December 6-10, 2004
Group: WWW Winter 2004
Let's start with some math, and I don't mean the sign posted at Delroy's (Sex is
like math: add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't
multiply).
Instead, we begin with some simple addition:
Young (31) + single + male + semi-professional drinker = oh no, it can't
be ... yes, it's the <B>DREADED SINGLE MALE!</B>
That's right, the DSM, a 5-11, 185-pound package of hazardous material; no doubt
a Vinny, maybe a Wally. Shit, he might even be a Villy. God knows what those
damn travel agents told him, promising a bevy of available, sex-starved, young
females. Wait till he finds out you don't get a hummer with the room key. He'll
puke in the hot tub! He'll start a fight! He'll spend two nights and beg to be
moved to a another resort.
Ah, but I've been through the single-male thing before, a couple of years ago
http://www.paulkatcher.com/hedonismii_report.shtml
having written an 11,000 word Hedo II report</a> that's still read hundreds of
times a week by curious web surfers asking your typical virginal questions: Will
I get laid? Can a single guy have fun? Will I get laid? Is it a good place
during spring break? Will I get laid? Is everyone old and fat? Will I get laid?
It was through that report that I became a charter member of the NYC/Long Island
Hedo Group, established 2004, serving as self-appointed chairman of the
Manhattan chapter, as I think I'm the only group member who actually lives in
the borough. About 20 of my compadres -- Hedo vets older than me from Brooklyn,
Queens, Long Island and other parts I call "the country" -- had their Winter WWW
plans made long ago, and I decided to join them for a quick, four-night,
Monday-Friday jaunt.
What follows are my observations, not intended to weigh more than anyone else's
opinions. I'll quickly hit the familiar categories and expound more on the
topics people are probably more interested in from my perspective: what it's
like to be a young, single male at Hedo and, oh yes, the naughty stuff
(respectfully concealing anyone's identity, and don't even pretend like you
don't care to know).
The Staff: I noticed a little more hop in the step of the all-important
alcohol mixologists. One bartender shared with me that his favorite work area is
the disco. Smart man, considering there's less work to do there than at Home
Depot during the Super Bowl. Except for PJ night on Tuesday, the place is deader
than Vanilla Ice's career or Scott Peterson's dick.
The Food: It held down the booze, and I didn't
die. Last time someone went to Hedo for the food was never.
Meeting Denny P. Talked briefly a couple of times with The Godfather
himself, an expected nice guy whose idea of an offer you can't refuse is
apparently a kick-ass rate. I talked to many people who said booking through
Denny is the best way to go. Not that I'm trying to kiss his ass or anything.
The Rooms: Much improved from a couple of years ago. The shower's water
temperature was constant, if not as hot as optimal. The TV is a nice addition
during evening rest time, and so is the subscription to the Playboy channel. I
guess people really do like to watch. Imagine that. I'd love to see stats on how
often Hedo TVs are tuned to channel 31 vs. the others. Golden Girls on Lifetime
or Riding Miss Daisy on Playboy? Survey says...
My Boner: Er, not what you're thinking. Luckily, my dumbest move of the
week was witnessed by only one person. Late one night, while stumbling down the
beach back to my room way over on the prude side (much cheaper), I fished
unsuccessfully around my shorts pockets (again, not what you're thinking) for my
room key . Shit, now I had to wobble all the way back and hope it had fallen out
onto the beach chair. A lone late-night guard spotted me in my Red Strippen
stupor and asked, "Is everything OK, mon?" "Yeah," I replied, "I think I left my
key over on a chair there." She asked, "Is it the same key that's wrapped around
your arm?"
The Single-Guy Thing:
* Guilty until proven innocent? Yes, in varying degrees.
Fair? Perhaps, based on prior actions of people who don't "get it."
Suck? Yes.
Deal-breaker? No.
* If you extend the demo of the WWW group to the entire nude side, it was 92%
couples, 6% single men and 2% single women. That was no surprise, but it still
confounds me that singles aren't more apt to choose Hedo II as a vacation
destination. What is it about naked waterslides and wet t-shirt contests and
pool bars and bodypainting and volleyball and poker games and toga parties
that's so much more attractive to couples?
Hedo is a wonderfully social place. And because of that it is, in some ways, the
best place for a single traveler. I have met many singles over my two trips and,
almost without fail, they have a very positive experience. But it's often
acknowledged that the demo can make thing awkward for the single. That's not an
indictment of the couples. But is only natural to feel a little out of place
when, in a group of nine, you're the only guy by himself. The solution? Get more
singles down there. So, Brenda in California or Richard in Texas, or whoever you
are from wherever you are, if you're wondering if you'll have a good time as a
single, you will. And you'll have an even better time if every single who thinks
twice about a Hedo trip because of the couples-heavy demo sucks it up and goes.
Kind of like an "every vote counts" thing.
As for there being a relative dearth of people under 35, that's another story,
perhaps a little more complicated one. But part of what I said above holds true.
If you're in the younger set and think twice about this trip because the median
age is a bit higher, realize nothing's gonna change if you don't go. Again, that
is absolutely not an indictment of anyone of any age at the resort. Age being
only a number is nowhere more true, but it's only natural to understand that
people of similar ages tend to have more similar experiences about which to talk
about. And, let's be honest, the place oozes a sexual vibe and you're more apt
to be attracted to people of similar age. So, to all you younger people reading
this and wondering if a trip is right for you, trust that it is, and it'll be
even better if all of you suck it up and go.
* A lot of people have advice on how single dudes should act at Hedo II. I came
at it the same way I do any situation: Being a free, equal and respectful
individual, I won't intentionally interfere with your good time, and I expect
the same in return. So long as single men are welcomed by the resort with the
same written rules as couples, I don't think it's fair for guests to impose
unwritten rules about what singles need to do to earn respect. I believe that
respect should be assumed first. And the overwhelming majority of people, I
think, subscribe to that theory. And some, I can flat-out assure you, do not.
I don't what past experiences some (stressing some) Hedonites have had with
single guys -- for certain not everyone on every trip has been considerate --
but it can be a downer when people act less pleasantly to single men than they
would a couple or single woman in the same situation. It happens, people. I've
experienced it, witnessed it and have been told about it. How one deals with it
is a matter of choice. And my choice is to invite them, in my mind only, to
pucker up and kiss my ass. Sorry guys, but if I nod and ask, "How's it going?"
I'm not going to understand a pleasant reply to be a contract to oil down your
woman. Relax.
* Yes, there are sexual opportunities for single men. No, it's not all with
single women. No, not all the swinger women are apt to play with single men.
Yes, some of them are. No, the clues aren't always obvious. Yes, it can be
comical to try to figure it out if, like in my case, it's not part of your
lifestyle at home.
* Ah, the hot tub, or as I like to call it, Soup du Jour: You Don't Wanna Know.
Again, I've experienced, witnessed and heard about some pretty wild
opportunities for single men. I think we're all in agreement that the obnoxious
piranhas and lewd gawkers lend nothing to the situation, but don't think there's
anything wrong with a single guy cold-chillin' in the tub, whether it be packed
at 6 p.m. or pretty empty at 3 a.m. Goes back to my theory of not interfering
with your good time if you don't interfere with mine. Late one night, I was so
far away from two couples (and not even paying them attention) that I could only
make out the identity of one person, being that he got out to go to the bathroom
(a rarity, and I don't even wanna get into that). Another clothed guy -- safe to
call this one a Vinny -- did the half-walk-around to see if anyone called his
name. Which no one did, of course. Then I hear some dude's diatribe about single
guys and their appropriateness in the tub alone. I then left -- who needs to
listen to that? -- not wanting to interfere with his vacation, or the three
people I was so far away from that I couldn't even pick them out of a police
lineup.
My Tan, Or Lack Thereof: You know you're not winning any Coppertone
contests when friends are laughing at your white ass five days into a Jamaican
trip. I'm sure I looked like some gawker from the prude side who had too much to
drink and wanted to see some ass. None of it was true, except for the drinking
and wanting to see some ass parts.
The Action: All right, let's get to the good stuff. Or should we just
pretend nothing sexual happens at Hedo and it's all about jerk chicken and
volleyball? Yeah, right.
I'm giving the two five-ways in the hot tub five stars each. Just makes sense
that way. Four chicks and a guy if you're counting at home. Rock on.
Las Vegas has never seen gamblers like the 13 guys (unofficial rumored count)
who had outdoor sex with the same woman ... without a condom in sight.
I hereby nominate the labeling of the period of time right after sunset might as
BJ Hour, and, while we're at it, we might as well call the beach area BJ Point.
It's like a mind twister: <I>A raft sets sail with two on board, both get off,
yet they always remain on the raft. How does this happen? (Answer: In about 20
minutes)</I>
I had to take a long route around the tub to the bathroom one night, because a
couple was doing the horizontal boogie and blocking the entire walkway. Didn't
want to step right over some chick's face while she was having such a romantic
moment. Perhaps I should have lit them a candle.
As for myself, I'll just say single guys can have fun, too.
The Flight Home: When I heard the stewardess ask, "Would you like the
chicken or fish?" I had a major flashback. Last time I heard that line Ted
Stryker was trying to land a plane with the help of a man who picked the wrong
week to stop sniffing glue -- even though he'd yet to get over Macho Grande.
Overall: Good, quick second trip. I can definitely see how things get
better and better with each visit, because friendships formed make for a better
experience. You meet people late in the trip and think, "Shit, I wish I'd met
them earlier." But next time, assuming they go the same week, you'll already
know 'em. Simple stuff.
The Shout-Outs: I guess no DennyP.com trip
report is complete without them. But I'll spare the ampersands with the couples,
a little nod toward treating everyone as an individual. Friends, new and already
known, it was my pleasure to hang with you, and each, by your presence,
sincerity and kindness, made my trip even better. For that I am grateful.
Till we meet again, in order as I can find them on the WWW attendance list:
Gary, Georgette, Dennis, Bill, Patty, Rupe, Pat, Jim, Janie, John, Renee, Jake,
Hazel, Steve, Nancy, Storm, Denise, Scott, Ed, Eileen, John, Brett, Christie,
Art, Nikki, Carmine, Karen, Randy, Kris, Chris and Mike.
And to the many others with whom I shared quick conversations, it was a pleasure
making your acquaintances. Keep on keepin' on.
Comments and questions encouraged at:
paul@paulkatcher.com