Trip Report: Chicago Jake, December 4 - 14, 2003, Winter WWW
Okay, many of you know that I am a total Tolkien Geek. And since I spent much of this years WWW trip re-reading The Return of the King in anticipation of the movie, it kind of colored (or coloured as Professor Tolkien would say) my perception of what transpired at Hedo. Therefore, my trip report ended up with a certain Tolkien-esque flavor to it. I had to take certain liberties, and I hope that nobody takes offense at being fictionalized; certainly none is meant. If you are mentioned below it means that I enjoyed partying with you; if you arent, it means that I failed to get to know you well enough, to my loss and my shame. Next time for sure. Enjoy!
The Lord of the Nipple Rings
Three nose rings for the Elven kings under the sky.
One scrotum cuff is more than enough for the Dwarves.
Five tongue studs and five through the puds of mortal men.
Seven navel rings for the Hobbits in their hole.
And one nipple ring to rule them and bring
them under the Dark Lords control.
Prologue: Concerning Hedo-ites
Hedo-ites are a fun-loving folk, who love peace and quiet and a good, bright sun and a well-raked beach. They dislike any machinery more complicated than a drink blender or a vibrator. They rarely wear shoes, or anything else for that matter, other than towels or the occasional thong. They love to eat, six or seven meals a day (when they can get them), especially jerk chicken and lobster. They like parties, and love to give and receive erotic gifts. They also delight in the consumption of alcoholic beverages and the smoking of pipe weed, or munching on small quarters of brownies. They inhabit a magical land called Middle-Hedo, where they frolic and play in the sun, sing and dance in the evenings, and trust that life will go on, as it always has for time immemorial.
A Long-Expected Party
The Hedo-ites had long looked forward to their annual celebration, known as Winter WWW, and it had finally arrived. They came from all corners of the globe. Half of Middle-Hedo had been invited, and the rest were showing up anyway. Guests included the Sunlovers, the Crazy Canucks, the Storm and Stormette, the Double D, the Double G, the Double S, the Ice Prince and Ice Princess from the far northern lands, the Manimal from the far eastern lands, the Towel Man and Towel Woman, the Partymon and Partywomon, the Human Duck, the Destroyer of Cities, the Princess of NY and her consort, the ferocious DJGolum and her stoic companion, the mysterious wizard Jakedalf, and even the magical Elf Queen herself, the Lady Diandriel, along with many others far to numerous to mention.
But the most famousest of all the Hedo-ites was Bubba Bigguns, who was especially excited about the WWW party. He was so full of enthusiasm that he even appropriated a banquet table that had been reserved for a party of Bracegirdles from Hardbottle and filled it with his own friends! But he was mostly looking forward to trying out the magic nipple ring that he had found (some say stolen!) long ago. Whenever he slipped it onto his right nipple, he achieved an instant erection that would not go away until he took it off again. He knew that the magic nipple ring would come in handy!
The party continued day after day and night after night. Food and drinks flowed freely, except that sometimes they took a bit long to arrive. The Hedo-ites depended on the local JamaicEnts to deliver their refreshments, who took a decidedly casual approach to their assignments. Now, now, Master Hedo-ite, dont be hasty! the JamaicEnts would say. Drinks soon come, mon. But the Hedo-ites knew that it was all good, and waited patiently for their cocktails.
The Shadow of Sandals
Jakedalf the wizard was learned in many of the ancient arts (indeed, some would say that he was a geek), and he harboured suspicions about Bubbas magic nipple ring. He had recently returned from a conference with his brother wizards, Saru-Mel the White and RadaGasbike the Brown, who were both wise and powerful in nipple-ring lore. He confronted Bubba Bigguns at the beach party, his eyes glinting like steel, and spoke of his suspicions. Toss thy magic trinket into yonder bonfire, Bubba! he commanded, and Bubba complied. Jakedalf retrieved the now-glowing ring, and held it out to Bubbas waiting hands. Bubba watched in fascination as ancient script appeared round the edge of the nipple-ring. Jakedalf puffed coloured smoke rings into the air and translated the cruel runes:
One Nipple Ring to rule them all, One Nipple Ring to find them...
One Nipple Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them...
In the Land of Sandals, where the Boredom lies.
Jakedalf explained to Bubba Bigguns the power of the Nipple Ring: This is the ONE Nipple Ring, which rules all other body piercings in the land. It was forged by the Dark Lord, Gordaun of Stewart, to take over all of Middle-Hedo, and annex it to his dark empire of Sandals, where boredom prevails over all life. He greatly desires it, and if he should succeed in finding it, all joy will leave Middle-Hedo, to be replaced by the boring, tedious life of the barren land of Sandals. All manner of doom will befall: the hot tub will become cool, the towels will become scarce, the bathrooms will have endless puddles of pee on the floor, reservations at Pastafari will become impossible to get; bananas will always be out of stock, Jerry Springer will visit once per month, and the art auction will be held seven times per week! Bubba: He must never find it!!
Is there no hope? cried Bubba, envisioning his beloved Middle-Hedo turned into a barren wasteland. There is but one chance said Jakedalf, furrowing his brow and puffing fiercely on his cigar. The evil nipple-ring must be taken, against all hope, into the midst of the dark land of Sandals, and cast into the Buttcracks of Doom, from whence it came, and there be destroyed forever.
The Council of Delroy
Representatives of all the peoples of Middle-Hedo were convened at the friendly hamlet of Rivendelroy, home of the Lord Delroy, an Elf Prince of great power and majesty. There Bubba was assigned companions to aid him on his quest. The wizard Jakedalf would accompany him, as would the mighty warrior Dallas son of Phallus, the Elf Prince Lanceolas, the shape-shifting Manimal, the ferocious DJGolum, and the redoubtable Partymon, who wasnt really a warrior, but knew how to have a good time (and to Hedo-ites, this was even more important). The Lord Delroy surveyed the motley crew and proclaimed: You shall be the Fellowship of the Nipple Ring. Maximum respect, every time!! And so, after a double helping of jerk lembas bread, and a stop at the Gap of Rohan to buy some traveling clothes, they set off on the long and dangerous road to Sandals to seek the Buttcracks of Doom.
At the Sign of the Prancing Pastafari
The first stop on the long journey was at a cozy tavern known as the Prancing Pastafari. The company ordered plates of pasta as large as manhole covers, pints of ale without end, and Caesar salads in bowls shaped like a rising crescent moon. There they donned magnificent garments emblazoned with pictures of DJGolum chanting an oath to her husband, and much merriment ensued. Bubba slipped the ceremonial garment over the mithril Aloha shirt that he had borrowed (some say stole) from his uncle, and joined in the merry-making. But it was only the calm before the storm that was yet to come.
In the House of Bob Rhondabill
The Fellowship spent an evening with the mysterious Bob Rhondabill and his enchanting wife Rhondaberry. But that chapter is inexplicably omitted from this account.
A Jug in the Dark
The company passed through dire swamps, barren rocky terrain, and razor-sharp foothills on its way to the evil land of Sandals. They endured much hardship: being bitten by sand-fleas, stepping on sea-urchins, and being forced to subsist on thin, watery ketchup. After several days, they came upon the ancient waterslide known as Anal Soon, where they made camp for the night. Jakedalf cautioned them that this was dangerous country indeed, and bade them be careful not to drink of any liquids that they should chance upon. But as Bubba was drifting off to sleep, he became very, very thirsty. As in a dream, a shadowy figure came to him, and offered him a sip out of a purple jug. Oh, yes, thank you, I am so very thirsty! said Bubba Bigguns, and forgetting Jakedalfs warning, he took a long, deep sip. Suddenly his vision clouded, and the world as he knew it disappeared. He walked as if in shadow, surrounded by fell visions and dread apparitions. For lo! it was none other than the Evil Hedo2King, Lord of the Nippleringwraiths! Two sips from his Morgul Jug will turn any mortal into a wraith, neither living nor dead! Fortunately, Bubba had taken but a single sip, and the wizard managed to cure him with a mixture of curried goat and callaloo, before he succumbed completely to the dark forces.
The Bridge of Mini-Me
The Fellowship continued on their path, past root and twig, over hill and under dale, until they espied a long, narrow bridge over a deep dark chasm. But the way was blocked by a fell creature, an evil monster of great power and doom, wreathed in shadows and flame! Fully eighteen inches tall it stood, with wild staring eyes and an evil hopping gait. What is this new devilry? asked the great warrior Dallas son of Phallus, stepping forward. He bade the creature let the company pass. You must first prove your worth! the fell beast cried. Dallas forthwith challenged it to a match of the ancient game of table tennis. The battle that ensued made the heavens shake and the earth quake. For hours into days the small white ball was bandied back and forth. The sun wheeled overhead; the moon rose and fell ever and anon; still the battle raged. Hit it, you bitch! cried the fell creature at last. Ill toss you like a salad! yelled Dallas. Nobody tosses a dwarf! shrieked the evil beast. Then, in a final burst of fury, Dallas launched a frightful attack upon the white orb, sending it smashing into the vile creature. The force of his thrust caused the bridge to fall utterly asunder, tumbling both Dallas and the diminutive demon into the abyss. Fly, you fools! yelled Dallas as he plummeted into the depths. The rest of the Fellowship, weeping for their fallen comrade, hurried across the collapsing bridge, barely making it alive to the far side.
The Mirror of Diandriel
After the fall of Dallas son of Phallus, the company sought refuge in the enchanted forest of Lido-Lorien, the realm of the Elf Queen Diandriel. The elves, having heard news of the fall of Dallas, had composed a piece of performance art in his honor. Using the ancient Elven art form of Penis Puppetry, they reenacted all of his great deeds in battles past: the stringing of the bow, the wielding of the club, the burying of the hatchet, the cleaving of the helm, the polishing of the cannon balls, and the notching of the shaft The members of the Fellowship wept, both at the beauty of the performance, and at the pain of their loss.
Later, the Elf Queen Diandriel took Bubba Bigguns aside and led him to a small birdbath in a secluded glen. She bade him gaze into the mirror-smooth surface of the water and see what future it foretold. Dont mind the water temperature she told the puzzled Hedo-ite. It fluctuates wildly. Bubba looked deeply into the water, and there he saw images of great portent: Snowstorms on the East Coast, virgin sacrifices, name beads being strung and distributed, flights delayed by three hours and more, a harness-like chair hanging from a great gnarled tree; and other wondrous images which were beyond his understanding. Bless me! What does it all mean? Bubba asked the beautiful Elf Queen. But she would answer naught.
The Fellowship made a brief stop at Issa-gard, the fortress-like dwelling of Saru-Mel the White, to replenish their provisions and refill their 64-ounce mugs. While there, Bubba Bigguns found (some say stole) a shiny black object, full of mysterious markings and buttons. Fascinated, he proceeded to punch buttons at random, until the device began to emit a series of ominous sounds. But Jakedalf snatched it away from him in anger. Fool of a Bigguns!! he snapped, his eyebrows bristling beyond the rim of his khaki WWW hat. Hast thou not been reading the threads on the dangers of using a Cellantir at the beach?! You will be the death of us all lest you take more care.
The Buttcracks of Doom
Eventually the company reached the dread realm of Sandals. A few things still grew there; harsh, twisted, struggling for life. Coarse grey tussocks of grass fought with the stones, great tangled brambles sprawled far and wide. And looming up before them were the ancient Buttcracks of Doom themselves! Fear ran up and down their spines as they gazed upon them. Giant they were, like two great climbing turds pressed together, with a stale noisome breeze oozing out from the crack in between. The company cringed with fear and despair.
Jakedalf pressed the end call button on the Cellantir and took it from his ear. Things are bad back in Middle-Hedo, he reported. Even as we speak, the rooms are being painted battleship grey, the bars are closing early, the crud is rampant, and the hot tub is as cold as a Nazguls uvula. The power of the Nipple Ring is growing stronger by the moment. Bubba, cast it into yon crack, before the joyful days of Middle-Hedo are utterly spent!!
But Bubba found that he could not do it. The nipple ring had taken a strange hold upon his mind, body, spirit, and soul; he must possess it! He was loathe to part with it, and would see no ill come to it. It was his, his own! No! he sneered to Jakedalf and the rest of the company, jamming the ring onto his erect nipple in defiance.
The ferocious DJGolum would have none of this insolence. You SUCK!! she shouted directly in his ear. Just DO IT, you little weasel! You SUCK!!! Such was the vehemence of her emotion and the overwhelming power of her voice that the nipple ring flew off of Bubbas chest, sailed through the fetid air, and landed directly in the giant Buttcrack! Middle-Hedo was saved!!
The Return of the Kink
Triumphant, the company returned to Middle-Hedo to find that all had been set aright. Drinks were flowing, PDAs were flourishing, and bawdy songs sprang from every throat. The sand was hot, the sea was calm, the sun was smiling overhead. The hot tub was bubbling and the piano bar was jumping. Floats were plentiful, the restrooms were gleaming, and every beach chair was arranged with a fresh towel. The Hedo-ites were laughing and dancing, and even the JamaicEnts seemed to have picked up their pace a bit. The members of the Fellowship wept with joy to see their beloved land back as it was meant to be.
But all good things must come to an end. As the WWW party wrapped up, Jakedalf and Bubba soon perceived that their time had come. And so they took the long, bittersweet walk to the front desk, and boarded the bus that had been prepared for them. As it pulled out of the driveway, they saw the few remaining Hedo-ites turn round and drop their pants on top of Moon Hill, in the ancient symbol of farewell. I wish that I didnt have to leave, said Bubba wistfully. I wish that we had more time to stay.
So do all of us, my dear boy, said Jakedalf, his old face folding up into a kindly smile. But that is not for us to decide. All that we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us, and to figure out a way to come back as soon as we possibly can. And, of course, he was right.
Respect to all; Chicago Jake (firstname.lastname@example.org )