It
was great to leave behind a foot of snow and 40 below wind chill to land in
sunny Montego Bay a few hours later. A great flight on Sun Country through
FunJet. Evidently a slow week just before Christmas, the airport was a breeze.
Changed into shorts, bought a couple of Red Stripes, and found the Couples
bus. The Couples rep showed up and took orders for more Red Stripes, so we
started out on the journey with a full cooler and a great driver. Since they
havent developed the technology for twist off caps in Jamaica, we were
fortunate to have talent on board with a fellow guest who could pull the caps
off one bottle with the cap from another full bottle. From other reports we
were expecting real trip from hell on this ride to Ocho Rios. Instead,
it was comfortable, entertaining (thanks to our driver), and action packed (I
didnt know anyone could pass in such a short distancegood thing we were
drinking or we would have been scared).
Greeted
with moist towels and champagne. Since it wasnt all that hot, this was more
formality than anything else. Couples is a beautiful setting, older property,
but with an Old World luxury--reminded me of Europe. Since the place was
REAL slow, we were upgraded to oceanview without asking, although a long walk
to the far west wing, which was opposite the bar and dining and entertainment
area, but on the same side of the main building as "The Jjungle. Not a
long wait to check in with only 6 or 8 couples on our bus. Our room was not overly luxurious, but very nice, large
enough, clean, with a balcony with a small table and chairs overlooking ocean
to the right, and a neighboring property straight on to the west. We had a
king bed with a tall floral fabric headboard. Some of the other rooms on the
same floor, but oceanfront, had
huge 4-poster king beds and in-room jacuzzis.
Made
reservations for the French restaurant for that evening. No problem with the
slow crowd--only half the tables were full when we dined. It was excellent. As
good as anywhere we dined in Paris last summer. Typical small, fancy servings
on big plates, but excellent. Prawn and mussel appetizer as well as a good
pate'. Goat cheese and walnut salad (more attractive than anything special).
Didnt really care for either of the soupsa mushroom (too peppery) and
cold cucumber soup (OK but soup should be hotright? <g>).
Monday
(1st full day). This morning we tried the room-service continental
breakfast. It was late and so we felt like we were wasting too much of our
day. For the balance of our stay we ate the breakfast buffet each morning
which was very good with a great selectionomelets to order, etc. As it was
cloudy, we rented a car and drove to Ocho Rios for fun and shopping. A small,
4-door, manual transmission, without air conditioning was $68 (including all
insurance, etc.). Remember, they drive on the wrong (left) side of the road in
Jamaica and the steering wheel is on the right side, which means your shifting
the manual transmission with your left hand. So, its a bit of a challenge
the first time. We had a rental (though an automatic) in London this past
summer, so not a big deal. I dont recommend renting the car as others
rented a cab all day for $80. About noon the rain set in and it poured the
rest of the day. BTWhad a couple offers to buy ganja (pot) while shopping
in town, but a simple NO was happily accepted. (Red Stripe or Absolute were
drug of choice <g>)
DUNNS
RIVER FALLS
Tuesday
was Dunns River Falls. DO THIS if its your first trip. Yes, its a
tourist trap kinda thing, but hey, were tourists! It isnt extremely
challenging, though older or infirm ones may not be able. Saw one lady slip
and take a bad fall and slid down 50 feet to the base of the falls. In fact,
she was captured on the video we signed up for, so we have it for posterity.
The video is worth the $25. The Couples crew taking the shot make it fun. (Our
guide laughed like Eddie Murphy. Hauh-hauh-hauh.)
After
climbing the Falls, Couples arranges a beach party. Rum punch and Red Stripe.
A limbo. One of the other gals in our group was less than 5 feet tall. Very
cute, and petite. She was Limbo Queen. I was amazed how well many did. At 65
I didnt get under many! Next was a beer-guzzling contest for the guys.
First rule was that all gals get on their knees in front of their guy. (That
sounded like a great start!) Gal holds beer bottle between thighs and guy
kneels down and grabs beer with lips (No Hands) and tips up bottle. I was
awarded a close second. (The camera crew said I won, but no sour grapes hereFirst
place won a beer mug. I got a beer. LOL) Next game: Fill the beer bottle
(which must be left with spouse/significant other up on the beach)from the
ocean with only your body and what you are wearing (no other containers).
Basically mouthfuls of water, although some tried to wring out their hair,
swimtop etc. We passed on that, but it was fun to watch.
Exiting
the Falls, you exit through a craft/market area. If there is anything the
Jamaicans have developed to a science its separating you from your money. I
went with this guilt of a rich American living lavishly in this pooooor
country. (And its true, folks.) But, for an example, leaving the falls, the
first guide informs you that it is appropriate to tip here and hell accept
the tips and split them among the entire crew. Twenty feet later the rest of
the crew is there with their hands out too. Of course, they dont know
anything about the first guys split. The merchants in the markets are
also very aggressive and dont like to take no for an answer. As my wife
turned away from one woman who had pounced on her to buy something, the
woman says: Hey, just dont walk away with saying anything! My wife turns
and replies: Bye. All the
merchants laughed. Merchant lady
says to others: She said Bye. Did you hear her? Thats a great
answer, isnt it? All laugh. I guess you have to realize they are just
trying to make a living, and perhaps many tourists they deal with are rude.
But, I think the overall feeling you leave with is bad for Jamaica tourism.
Couples is TOTALLY the opposite. NO pressure. NO hassling. Some workers would
not even accept a discreet tip (as there is a no tipping policy), though most
would. But in every case here, we had offered it because we thought it was
deserved for the EXCELLENT service.
Spent
the balance of the day in the sun. (See note below about the Island.) Made
reservations for the Italian restaurant, which sits out on the water at the
eastern end of the beach. Very nice. Again, not busy. Excellent service and
above average food.
At
about 9:00 or 9:30 every evening the entertainment started. Excellent quality
shows every night. Very good, entertaining, talented performers. The small
crowd put a bit of a damper on what things might have been, but the performers
still worked their heart out. Many had audience involved on stage. Best song:
The Big Bamboo.
After
the entertainment ended, the Piano Bar opened. They had a songbook with words
only of over 100 songs. Pianist could play them all, and almost anything else
you asked for. Bar stayed open until last guest left, but they didnt
say pianist left at 1:30. We thought he took a break. When he never returned
the bartender finally explained. Then one or two of us amateurs tried our
hand(s) at it. With a bit of a repertoire, I kept it going till about 3am. One
night we even went to the grill with another couple from Michigan till 4am.
THE
ISLAND.
Typically
the Island is au natural. (Not clothing optional.) We had a lot of fun
planning the trip teasing about going to the Island. Everyone who made a trip
report from Couples O/R said to Try Itor youll regret it when you get
home. The week we were there, the main pool was under repair and could not be
used. As a result the resort opened the Island from 9 am 2 pm to ALL
guests as clothing optional. After 2:00 it was take off or get off.
It is a neat setup. Centuries old watchtower built by the British. Long and
narrow with several small gazebos for shade. A couple or these have a hanging
swing (for twosee note below about swing) under themothers just deck
chairs. There is a small pool with a swim-up bar and grill for lunchtime. Most
of the guests who went to the island took advantage of the au natural custom,
or at least topless. It was not crowded (remember, this was a SLOW week),
never saw anyone in the pool, and its layoutlong and narrowdoesnt
really allow any area for a group to gather, except the pool. Most didnt
mingle, but minded their own business and staked out an area for themselves.
THE
SWINGS (THE JUNGLE)
Couples
has an area between the main building and the west wing that has extremely
dense tropical growth in itthus the name: The Jungle. In the center is a
gazebo for weddings. But off of the main path are 3 small paths. Two lead to
jacuzzis built for two. The third has a huge bamboo swing (for two) hanging in
it. At night the small paths are even difficult to locate, very dimly lit. At
the orientation on your first day there, the staff makes a point to tell you
to go check out the jungle but warns you that should you desire to return
after dark be sure to whistle, hum, clear-your-throat, etc., as others may
have beat you there, and these secluded spots are known for amorous
rendezvous. First night we went to check out the jungle, but I forgot about
the whistle-hum warning. Nearly walked up onto a couple who was taking the amorous
part of the orientation to heart (actually a little lower). He immediately
cleared his throat (though I don't think she did <g>) when he saw me face to face, and if I startled her
as badly, well, Im afraid he probably had tooth marks in a very delicate,
compromising place. We did a quick about-face. (Hopefully he didnt lose
it totally <g>.) My wife is not fond of hot tubs, but I think she has
ordered one of the giant swings to bring home !!! Just be advised that if you
make TOO much noise (kinda like they think someone is in trouble), security
will come and interrupt the amorous going-ons. But, I would bet we were not
the first time security got a free show. Seeing that everything was OK, no
interruption and off with the flashlight. (I doubt hed recognize us the
next day anyway <g>)
Wednesday
was rainy off and on (mostly on). Kinda disappointing as this was our last
full day. Tried to get a little sun between raindrops but my wife was feeling
poorly anyway. I ate at the noon buffet (wife didnt feel like it). Again,
excellent selection and quality. Ice carvings, veggie carvings, etc. We have a
close friend from Paris who is a pasterie chef. The desserts (a dessert bar 20
feet long) at Couples rivaled hischeesecakes of every imagination, mousse
cakes, tortes, etc, etc.
This
is probably the point where you hope your trip wont be like ours. Wednesday
afternoon/evening, my wife became much sicker. Flu like symptoms. By early
morning she was vomiting VIOLENTLYeven evidence of vomiting blood. Called
the resort nurse, who subsequently called in a doctor (yes, they make house
calls). The doctor (US Med. School) insisted she go immediately to the
hospital. Paramedics (EMTS, whatever) arrive, but no one can successfully
start an IV (as my wife was severely dehydrated). When we get out to the
ambulance, it wont start. Finally the doctor pulls up his Mercedes and I
pick up my wife and we zoom off to the hospital.
Now,
believe me, youll never again complain about your HMO if you see this
hospital. This is definitely 3rd world. Again, well trained
doctors (US or UK), but NO facilities. Again, no one could start an IV until
the doctor got it done. My wife is semi-conscious and delusional and loud. The
hospital is one big room with 20-something beds occupied by young, pregnant
women or old, toothless women. (Most of which hadnt seen an American women
in their hospitalat least not one making such a commotion.) The situation
was worsened by the fact that my wife is a diabetic. She was actually near
diabetic coma, I believe. This is EARLY morning (5 am). There is no one on
duty to do blood work. Doctor explains they wont be in until after 8 am and
them must sent off to Montego Bay for lab work, results maybe by noon.
The
doctor from the resort suggests I consider an emergency Leer jet evacuation to
Miami. Says we can be there by noon perhaps. Warns, though, that it will be
expensive. (But then so are funerals, right?) Cash, wire the funds, or
approved credit card. $12,000 later, (yes, thousandbetter have an AmerEx
Gold card) the jet leaves Miami. We jump in ambulance and head to Montego Bayclosest
international airportover an hour awayeven with sirens and escort.
Oops!
Not quite yet. Castro refused flight plan over Cuba, which would double the
mileage and time. Two hours later, Cuba benevolently issues emergency waiver
for hospital plane and it arrives at Montego Bay over an hour after we
did. For $12,000 you get an RN, a paramedic, and two pilots, and more and
better medical care in the 1 hour flight to Miami than the 8 hours in the
Jamaican hospital. Hospitalization in Miami lasted seven days before she could
travel to St. Louis. Never really definitively determined the cause of the
illness. Obviously food poisoning is a possibility. Many warned us not to eat
the shell fish, but we didn't listen. And, I ate most of the same foods and
experienced no problems. Something viral? Unfamiliar bacteria? One Miami
doctor even suggested sensitive gall bladder. Now fully recovered and doing
fine. Only regret she says: First time to travel in a Leer and cant
remember it! A positive note: This is the first trip EVER that I bought the
travel insurance. It was $84.00. Looks like everything is paid for that my
private insurance wont cover, even the airlift, hotel in Miami, and
subsequent air tickets home.
We
loved Couples the first few days we could enjoy it. They promote the place as
luxurious romantic, AND IT IS! (Especially the swings. <g>) A few others
reports spoke of more mingling among the guests, esp. on the Island. We didnt
see it, except at Dunns River Falls. But I think that had to do a lot with
the fact it was a slow week, very low occupancy. Also, many honeymooners,
anniversaries, etc. who kept more to themselves.
We
did like the fact of adult-only and couples only. No kids (that why we left
ours at home) and no single guys on the prowl (Vinnies ?).
Wed
love to go again. Even after the Ordeal, and we probably will. But we
will definitely buy the travel insurance (and not eat the shellfish). Email if
you have any further questions.