Caliente Florida: John - September, 2011
Trip Report – Caliente Resort, Florida, September 2011
In short, it was the best trip we’ve ever had to Caliente. The weather was warm, the pool too, and the club rocked.
Accommodations: We’ve been there several times in the past, both as guests for the evening and as weekenders. On weekend trips, we’ve stayed in the hotel and in rental condos. The hotel rooms are a large, no, huge, step up from those found at Paradise Lakes, and they are conveniently located next to the clubhouse itself. The condos – although nice – are some distance away from the club house and require driving or calling for the club’s shuttle service to get to the club house. While this arrangement gives you some separation from the activities around the club house and grounds, it also removes you from the “vibe” that is Caliente on the weekends. For this trip, we opted for the hotel, but found that the cost of meals in the club’s main dining room (more on that later) and in the Sports Bar equaled the difference in price between the hotel room and the condo. Next time, we’ll skip the dining room, cook, and plow the money into a condo.
Friday Night Meet and Greet: At 5:00 on Friday evening, people began to appear in the piano bar and by 6:00 the place was overflowing with guests and club members. Drinks were served in glasses (not the ubiquitous plastic cups featured at That Place Down The Road) and everyone mingled in their best resort wear i.e. dresses and slacks for the ladies; slacks and shirts for the men. Except for the occasional naked couple (not that there’s anything wrong with that …) strolling by from the pool, it could have been at any nice country club or hotel social gathering. We met another couple who were there for the weekend and made plans for dinner later. The Meet and Greet had a nice feel to it and – although it was billed as a swinger’s group weekend - there was no noticeable, frantic “we gotta hook up early” mood.
Dining: After changing into “evening” attire for the dance (OK, nobody cares what I wore; Mrs. John-John looked hot in fringe and really high heels), we met our new-found friends for dinner. Drinks ordered; entrée’s selected; we waited, and waited, and waited for our meal. Seems that there was a computer glitch in the kitchen. Later, it was determined that they were out of the entrée I wanted. Then there was another computer glitch in the kitchen. We stayed busy with small talk, which grew increasingly smaller as time passed. Finally, the food arrived. No real apology from the management and certainly no discount for the hour and half we had sat there. A free dessert? No thanks. I should have suspected something when I noticed there were more empty tables in the restaurant than filled ones. The following evening we ate in the Sports Bar next door and had good service, TVs, and only a moderate wait. When I hesitated over the menu, the waiter offered to bring me a menu from the main dining room, but I chose something from the Sports Bar’s bill of fare. Only when he walked off did it hit me: Two Restaurants = One Kitchen! No wonder there was nobody in the main dining room – everybody else was chowing down on the less expensive menu next door and watching sports. We were coming in second in the dinner sweepstakes! The lesson learned here is eat in the Sports Bar and, if so inclined, ask for the main dining room’s menu. At least Sports Center can take your mind off of the wait and small talk with folks you barely know.
The Pool: There are two pools (not counting the one or water volleyball), the larger of which is the one with the waterfall shown on the Caliente website. Most of the locals seemed to opt for the smaller pool, so your chances of meeting fellow weekenders are better at the big pool. The water temperature was refreshing; any colder and there may have been serious shrinkage issues. The outdoor bar served a nice lunch on Saturday and there waitress service around the pool to supplement the walkup trade. By mid Saturday afternoon, the late-arriving swingers group had congregated in one area of the large pool and were chatting each other up to the exclusion of the rest of us. No matter, there were lots of other folks about and everyone participated in the late afternoon free Bingo games – a nice complement to the poolside DJ. All in all, it was a nice afternoon in the sun. Wish we could have stayed for Sunday afternoon as well.
Off to the Club: The night club at Caliente is fronted by a large rectangular bar with booths down either side which funnels folks to the dance floor in back, which itself is surrounded by tables and booths. It also features … poles … No, not the latest Eastern European NATO members, but stripper poles – two on the dance floor and one on the stage next to the music video screen. As the evening progressed, numerous ladies tried their skills on these shiny objects. Presumably the one on-stage is for the better practitioners of this ancient and honorable art, while the other two are for practice rounds or for new guys, er, ladies. A friend we knew from the That Place Down the Road was a frequent participant in pole dancing throughout the evening; a revelation to us since we’d only seen her barely swing and sway to the music in other venues. We gave her an “A” for effort and an “A+” for coming out of her shell. Dance music both nights was the usual mix of techno noise and the driving beat from your local Zumba class and everybody appeared to be having a good time. Waitress service was slow, due perhaps to the size of the crowd and I opted get drinks from the bar more than once. On Saturday night, we arrived earlier, about 8:00, and were able to snag a two-person table by the dance floor and near the aforementioned poles. The evening began slowly but by 9:30 or so, when the swingers group made their appearance, the average age dropped as did the amount of female clothing (Mrs. John-John had already headed back to the room and made her mid-evening costume change), and the vibe definitely amped up. Perhaps it was its shininess, perhaps the challenge, but at this point Mrs. John-John began to eye the nearest stripper pole much like an alley cat eyes a Koi pond. As the evening progressed, she “had” to try it and, with the assistance and encouragement of another similarly attired (read “next to nothing with nasty high heels”) lady and a rather intoxicated, naked man (you can’t make this stuff up), up she went. I stood nearby as a “catcher,” just like those guys during cheerleading competitions, but she did well, no doubt aided by the roaming hands of both of the other pole participants. Assisting me in my lifesaving watch was a lady who introduced herself as the other female dancer’s “girlfriend.” Ah, Caliente.
After midnight, the vibe changed again as unattached men began appear in the club and cluster around the dance floor; time for us to depart. Having heard that post-midnight “frolic” occurred in the conversation pool, we opted for home instead.
The following morning we visited the conversation pool for a brief dip prior to the long drive home and I’d be remiss if I didn’t describe the scene we found. CSI Tampa would have loved it: empty beer bottles, half-filled plastic drink cups, abandoned panties (black), tangled club wear, and discarded food littered the place. It looked like a very happy battle-of-the-sexes-where-both-sides-won battlefield.
Final Thoughts: We found the place friendlier than ever before.
The swinger group, never pushy, brought an element of enthusiasm to what could have been the same old tired atmosphere I’ve described in trip reports about That Place Down the Road. I’d schedule my weekends at Caliente to coincide with their gatherings.
The Meet and Greet was another highlight; a must-do.
It’s still a clothing optional resort, and the wide variety of dance wear and club wear reflected that. The pool was 99% nude.
Get a dance floor seat in the Club if you can, even if it means getting there ridiculously early. The floorshow is worth it e.g. observe pole dancing without having to pay a nasty cover charge. (Mrs. John-John has her second pole dance lesson this weekend)
The hotel room was convenient but it forces its occupants to either microwave food or eat elsewhere. If you choose elsewhere, hit the Sports Bar.
The hotel rooms are showing their age and need a good refurbishment. Opt for a condo.
The Fitness Center is pretty nice and there is an aerobics class on Saturday. Exercise early so you can party late.
Finally, we can’t wait to go back.