Hedonism II Trip Report - Chris
November, 2022
Hedo2 Trip Report—November 2022—Chris Santilli
AFTER AN ABSENCE of 3 years (Covid concerns), I returned to Hedonism II at the end of November 2022 to see if I found it changed or whether it was still the place where I felt most comfortable being myself besides my home. Yup! Still is lovely! I’ll be returning!
Granted, it’s different for me because the focus there has become a little more in-your-face sexual and time has passed, which changes my focus: not everything is so new anymore, so finding my spark takes more effort.
A miracle happened upon arrival: not only did my plane arrive first for the day, but I was off the plane first, and thus arrived at the immigration desk first. Unfortunately, the immigration officer would not accept my printout of the immigration arrival from the internet because it was not the same size paper as their paper form, so I just quickly handwrote a new one, and I’m in! (Going home was fast too—arriving into Charlotte I didn’t need my passport; the global entry kiosk just took my photo and I was on my way.)
The police presence on the road to Negril stopped many cars. They are looking for known criminals. But they waved on known hired cars (I use Mr. Reasonable—Linley Grant’s car service) and tourist buses. Another miracle occurred upon arrival before noon…my preferred room was ready! (I request a block of preferred rooms a week in advance on the off chance the staff can accommodate me.) Boom chuck-a-luck-a…life is good with the trip being stress-free!
After arrival, a Canadian friend made an astute observation: 3” fish is the standard for scuba at Hedo, and 3” dick is standard on the beach. That is, except for some prodigious members seen in a small group…
At the prude beach bar I commented to Paulette, the bartender, that I noticed a group of three hot young couples having sex on the nude beach but that they looked joyless. They made no faces or sounds as they mounted one another if various configurations. Even a guard sitting 10 feet away stared out at the bay, bored. Yup, joyless sex. Paulette cracked up, saying she and another staffer had just been commenting on the same group’s indifference to one another! Word travels fast at Hedo. (BTW, the recyclable straws for drinks are much better quality than the mushy paper ones they used to use.)
Memorable people are a part of every trip. A transwoman was a favorite of many guests for her sheer joy of life. A man made me raise my eyebrow and smirk when he said, “I’m only dancing with you before I fuck you.” I suspect alcohol was involved in his lack of charm, especially the next day when he belly-flopped into the pool, requiring many drinks to be re-made.
The group Rachal’s Rascals was departing as I arrived. They had a brilliant idea by putting a table near the nude beach towels where guests could leave giveaway stuff. Some staff even stocked up on others’ sexy leftovers. I left my clear plastic water container that was given to each guest on check-in. It seemed useless to me. I didn’t see many people using theirs.
Having all the pools permitting nudity thrilled me. Every morning I made the short walk from my prude garden-view room to the topside pool—that was quiet, not too warm, and mostly uninhabited—to do naked water aerobics by myself (or with two friends who joined in sometimes). I’ve never felt more refreshed! (At Hedo I normally sit on my ass-ets, watching my ankles swell.)
Eager to finally try my hand at pickleball (I never was cutting edge), I found the resort pickleball paddles are acceptable, but the balls are both the indoor and outdoor kind. If you want to play regularly though, I recommend bringing your own equipment for when Garfield (keeper of all ball and racquet stuff) is not around or on a day off. If you catch him before his day off, he’ll lend you the equipment you need if you promise to return it a.s.a.p. when he’s back. Late afternoon provided a comfortable time to play (light breeze and the sun was super low so you don’t fry) and empty courts. You’ll need to find other players on your own power.
Only two people at Hedo brought up U.S. politics in an ugly (and unbidden) way to me during this trip, for which I was grateful. Three years ago people were more vocal, creating division on the beach. I saw only one political t-shirt this trip.
Winning Hedo Bucks during competitions and participations makes a difference! Guests can now use them against their bill at the end of the trip! I only remember people using them for coffee or in the boutique previously. I cashed in $47 (won over a couple years).
In my dotage, I’ve been dying my hair and previously the Hedo shampoo didn’t affect it. It did this trip, though, so for future trips I’m bringing my own shampoo. And I no longer need to bring a paper bag to tape on the bathroom window. Ugly little curtains the resort installed work fine.
A few people did catch Covid at the resort, but the rot didn’t seem rampant. A close friend caught Covid, but I didn’t catch it and neither did her husband (we all used the insty-tests to check 2x).
The resort now turns a blind eye to Covid, and only the rare staffer wore a mask. I got a kick out of Winston, the entertainment director, wearing his BDSM soft-spiky mask on his chin (his gift for publicly calling out guests to make them feel beloved is unparalleled). The maids, though, were not allowed to enter the rooms where a guest was known to have Covid.
Guests reported enjoying top-notch service during my entire trip (and owner Harry Lange was only there at the very start and very end of my trip so his presence didn’t affect it).
A spa massage still feels like a decadent retreat, but I was surprised when my masseuse ran her hands over my breasts on day 5 of my daily 30-min. neck massage appointments. The breast is not a muscle. I told her they were tender and to focus higher. Sexuality at the spa is not the norm, but apparently it has occurred.
Somehow the ackee and saltfish (salted codfish) in the morning seemed to have NO bones: another miracle! Granted, I only ate breakfast my last day, so it could’ve been a fluke. The Shepherd’s pie at lunch had no flavor. Broccoli appeared near daily, sometimes slathered in cheese. Lettuce was only iceberg—no romaine as in the past.
Only the small plates fit in the room fridge if you want to have desserts available to you all week. Yes, I walked away with a dozen the rum balls on Friday’s feast. In addition on Fridays, consider asking the staff at the lobster grill for all the side bits of lobster that are without a shell…grilled up perfectly! The lobster station with half lobsters in shells had a huge line from 7-8pm…but the other lobster line with lobster pieces in a cream sauce had no line—tasty too!
The Pastafari and The Flame beef filets were excellent throughout the week. The “catch of the day” fish was mostly hake—originally frozen, cheap, but good enough; it’s the same fish served daily for lunch. Some salmon appeared early in the trip and never reappeared. The chocolate dessert at the Flame is decadent creamy/fudgy beyond words. I had two. The appetizers at both specialty restaurants are tiny but tasty—2-3 bites’ worth. I didn’t go to Harrysan’s.
Some days the A/C was off in Pastafari because some guests under the A/C units were too cold, so keep the plastic menus: they make great hand fans. I could always get seated at a table of 2-4 in Pastafari around 7pm—no waiting. Not always true at the Flame.
The din of clanging plates at The Flame reverbed off the new granite wall. The General Manager, Luis Fitch, is aware of it and wants to find a way to baffle the noise. If anyone has a suggestion, I recommend sharing it with him.
Luis comes from a strong food and beverage background and plans to update the Pastafari menu next and increase room service for the high-end rooms. He hopes that KamaSutra will be back by the end of March 2023. Luis told me that Hedo doesn’t compare itself to Desire and shares few guests (I’ve been to both and so have many Hedo guests). He doesn’t expect change the few rules at Hedo. But signage indicated that photos were not permitted in many areas outside guest rooms.
Luis says Hedo pricing goes up because of supply & demand and inflation, and Jamaica is seeing momentum in the tourist trade, especially with Canadians. He’s also instituting ways to be more strict with payments from travel agents.
He had been to Hedo III in 2002 as a guest (it closed in 2010), so he was familiar with the Hedonism brand before applying for the general manager position. His one-year anniversary with Hedo was in December 2022.
Luis doesn’t live on the property in Kevin Levee’s old home (Kevin was the previous G.M.), but next door at Point Village with his wife and two children. He also has two older children, one in college and one is independent. He was born in Mexico and speaks English, Spanish, German, and Italian. He likes talking to guests and giving hugs, though some guests found him standoffish. I suspect he just prefers others to make the first overture.
On a Tuesday night in the Piano Bar night before karaoke, Scott and Kathy, the host couple for the Tom’s Trips gang, led a happy piano singalong from song books they printed such as “You Put the Cunt in Country.” Scott plays piano and Kathy sings. After we exhausted Scott’s ivory tickling, a group of us gals did a rousing rendition of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” a cappella. Always a crowd pleaser. Or not. But I found us all extraordinary.
Many guests hang in the piano bar because it’s cool and comfy; Eldon, the bartender, works miracles in a glass; and the quiet allows for fun conversations. When Dion, the piano player, plugs in his keyboard, the high volume chases away the chatterers. I’m concerned for Eldon’s hearing too. The top of the piano still serves as a stage for sexy dancing.
During the Buttcrack Tours welcome party hosted by Go Classy Tours, amusement ensued when I won a copy of my own travel/humor Hedo2 book during a drawing giveaway (I returned it for someone else to win).
Even more funny was meeting a wonderful couple in the hot tub one happy hour; the husband brought up the movie that was set at Hedo (“The Swing of Things,” 2020). I mentioned that I had 15 min. of fame in a mock-umentary (“Sinner in Paradise,” 2006) that had Hedo in it. And then I asked if they had read “The Naked Truth About Hedonism II.” (I normally don’t bring it up, but we were talking about Hedo in the media.) The wife had read it and said—with delight in her voice—she was Facebook friends with the author. Smiling, I whispered: “That’s me.” Her eyes doubled in size and she hugged me. I laughed because I didn’t know her either, and she’s my FB friend too! Besides, my photo on FB is an “author” photo from 25 years ago.
Luis Fitch, Hedo’s general manager, often is easy to find in the dining room.
Menu for Espresso Bar. On the other side of this sign is a rack of books guests leave for one another. More books for the taking are in the lobby on the shelves near the travel agent tables.
Menu and pricing at the HedoWeedo cannabis shop.
The view from the garden-view prude room 1239, looking over the rooftops of the ocean-view prude rooms.
The ever-famous Friday night rum balls.