Hedodudes Trip Report April 23 30, 2004
April 23rd marked the start of my 20th trip to Hedo.
FLIGHTS/AIRPORT:
Used US Airways for the first time in 10 years. Air Jamaica was sold-out. Although US Air is less expensive than AJ, you get what you pay for. Ill spend the extra bucks for the free beer and champagne and a REAL meal. No free cocktails ($5 each !!) and a snack box with cheese and crackers and a fruit bar yuk !!
Arrived at Sangster in great time and as usual at the FAR end of the terminal. I noted several new AIR-CONDITIONED jetways were now in place. Sure was nice not having to sweat my guts out walking across the tarmac to board my flight on departure home. Construction continues on the new terminal building on the east side of the airport. Id guess at least another year until that project is finished.
In the duty free area of the airport is a new stand offering Jamaican Bobsled Team attire to support their Olympic team. They have the original bobsleigh from the movie Cool Runnings/Olympics on display. A TV monitor plays the film overhead. Nice merchandise, and for a good cause.
Customs were slightly elevated but down from my November trip in terms of searching luggage. It seemed to me like returning Jamaicans were being scrutinized more than tourists. Due to my arrival time the immigration lines were quite long. One of these days I hope for an immigration agent at EVERY post. Luggage was actually being removed from the baggage carousels by airport staff and set aside for pick-up. I guess when you land 8 planes within 15 minutes of each other youre gonna get backed up (LOL !). Upon arrival at Hedo, I opened my luggage to find a TSA zip-tie through one of the inner zippers. My luggage had been inspected and a courtesy brochure enclosed. It was on top of all my PJ stuff and other unmentionable items, and, my handcuffs.
Beer acquired from snack kiosk bus boarded and were off. Nice ride. Stopped at Golden Apple for more beers. Seems that Lollipops is being avoided by several tour vehicles due to its unclean appearance; etc.
I took the PA mic from the dash and gave my usual debauched tour of the countryside to the passengers and much to the laughter of my driver Desmond. I thought the whole bus was Hedo folks. Oooops several Dildo-ites were on board. Apologies? nope !
ARRIVAL AT HEDO
No biggie. Off to the bar room soon come. Saw John & Renee (Sunlovers) on their way out for home. Met friends Jeff & Loretta, Kevin and Vicki and Iggy. Kevin and Iggy were there doing a live radio show each afternoon in the dining room for Iggys talk-radio station in St. Louis. They were a scream. The Teasum.com lingerie folks were there and were being interviewed as well as many other Hedo characters. I was hustled to the table for an on-air interview and 2 verses of Hedonismville. (No small feat after many Red Stripes but I made it through and continued some on-air small talk ala Robin Quivers from the Stern show back home.)
A smiling Richard Bourke spotted me in the lobby on arrival and attempted to assure me that ALL property with the exception of the sand on the beach, had been nailed-down to prevent a repeat of my November toilet stunt. Oh Richard you nave man..
Off to the beach and renewing acquaintances and meeting new friends. The last of the Butt Crack Tour group were wrapping up their week and the arrival of Biffs Bunch was set for the next day. Lots of new sand has been added to the beach. Friends had made reservations for Pastafari for dinner that night followed by my usual early crash-and-burn to bed.
Sunday brought sunny skies and an early wake up. My friends Doc from Buffalo and Senator Scott from California have long made friends with some of the local residents and Hedo staff and we made whats become our ritual afternoon road trip to the hills. This trip was a wonderful excursion to the home/business of everyones favorite bartender DELROY! It was Sunday, hence his day off. We arrived in Orange Bay with Hedos Fox, as usual. Delroy and his son Dexter operate the D& D Bar/Jerk/Ice Cream stand - a small plywood hut with chest freezers with ICE cold Red Stripe and Heineken. Jerk chicken is cooked on a kettle grill out back. Dexter is a DJ at Grand Lido and had a speaker system that was 8 feet high and at least 15 feet wide. Thankfully, its outside the bar on the street. I swear you could hear it at Hedo THREE!!! Stand in front and you get a nice body massage. Neighbors and patrons soon gathered and a street party commenced. We also had a chance to meet several charming Jamaican children of about 5 or 6. Smiles everywhere. My new young friend John took my hand and we went for a walk so he could show me where he lived. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said taxi driver. I later found out he had a much better career choice already in practice. Id set my beer down and hed bring it over to me as well as my food; etc. When we went to leave he asked for any silver mon? All I had was large U.S. bills. HE was acceptable to me giving him a twenty but I was not LOL. A member of our group actually went inside Delroys house, accompanied by Delroys charming wife Claudette. An open-air piss pit (surrounded by corrugated steel for privacy (LOL) was for the guys but not for our female companion.
Well, after several hours of partying it was time for all of us with Delroy and Claudette in tow to head to Ricks Caf. More cocktails, singing (including Delroy and Fox) and partying with Dando, our favorite singer. Blearily we headed back to Hedo with a stop at Ossies for some jerk pork and yes more booze. Dougie-uggy now VERY drunk. Back at Hedo, one last cocktail and another early night. Somehow, the 6-pack of Dragon Stout I purchased for my friend Brad somehow made it to him despite my obvious oblivion.What a day ahhhhhhhhhh!
Big-up thanks to Delroy and family for an unforgettable afternoon.
The rest of the week was wonderful with the fabulous members of Biffs Bunch and the remaining Butt Crack folks. A fight broke out in the pool when a heavy contingence of Toronto folks started dissing my beloved Phila. Flyers. Philly and Toronto are in the playoffs right now. After their rousing rendition of Oh, Canada Id had enough. One of the gals from their group and I dropped the gloves and staged a good ol brawl in the pool. She beat me up pretty good. My only injury was a lost cocktail and a soaked hat.
Biffs Bunch had a buffet breakfast served on the beach every morning. Eggs, bacon, muffins, bagels, fresh fruit, champagne (guarded by Walter !) and Bloody Mary components. Walter and my friends Jeff & Lo had a running contest daily to see who could horde the most bubbly. J & L won hands-down. I was generally on the beach by 8 AM most days. A miracle for me. It was nice being able to walk downhill to eat for a change. My friend says walking uphill is merely walking downhill in reverse I proved that theory MANY times. If you ever want an excellent week to visit Hedo Biffs Bunch is a must. Ive never had so much fun as I did that week with this bunch of zanys. Thanks to Biff; etc. for letting me come along for the ride.
An impromptu batting practice broke out in the nude pool one day. When you have an 8-foot inflatable penis and a beach ball.well. I took the bat and had the beach ball pitched to me. I almost had a couple of homers over the wall into Pointe Village. Foul tips take on a WHOLE new meaning. Some of the Chicago clan brought remote-control motorized jet ski toys with them which offered lots of fun as they maneuvered them toward rafts and people. Very funny indeed.
Tuesday brought a wonderful PJ night. We noticed a guest who was permitted to stay for several hours in the bar despite being clothed in white linen and DEFINITELY not PJs. It was Richard Bourke. He stayed for HOURS drinking with us and socializing. My attempts to handcuff him in my bondage gear were unsuccessful. He managed to get away rather quickly. You must meet Richard at some point. Hes hysterical. Frankly, I think he was there just to keep an eye on ME. I had been planning to relocate the entire contents of a room to the beach or Richards yard whichever was easier. When I asked him if hed have a problem with that, he replied, Doug Im the HMFIC. If I see it I call someone to take it away!. Darn. Now I had permission. No fun now!
I guess my best stunt of the week (and those of you who know me know I cant go to Hedo without doing something silly) was acquiring a bartenders uniform. I wont reveal my source but I managed to work several nights in the main dining room and the piano bar. Management did double-takes as they saw me making libations for the masses. They just kept laughing along with the other bartenders and just shook their heads. I actually got pretty good at it after a few nights. I was a bartender for many years here at home so it was fairly easy to fit in. I tried to get a name badge from HR with the name DOUGROY but to no avail. My attempts to acquire a bellmans uniform (the white ones with the gold epaulets) in order to greet a friend who was arriving later in the week didnt happen. Id planned on meeting the bus (which I did) but in my uniform to offload their luggage.
Wednesday night repeater party was in the disco. FINALLY after 20 trips I WON THE FREE WEEK !!!! Its only 5 nights now but Ill take whatever theyre giving. A friend won 3 nights for second-time winner at 17 trips. Kevin and I decided to get naked and carry out the art for the Art Auction. Covering our faces, and nothing else, we carried the art across the stage much to the chagrin of the auctioneer.
Thursday had the Biffs Bunch nude cat cruise. Every square inch of the cat was full with partying folks. Great snorkeling, cruising, boozing and laughs. A stop at Pirates Cove for cliff diving proved fun and a little painful. The cliff at PC is definitely higher than Ricks. Only 3 of us had the balls (or shall I say after dive number three BALL.) to jump. I did two pike style dives then tried a jackknife. Bad idea. I hit the water at a 90 instead of a 45. OWWWWWWWW !!!! I felt it then heard the collective groan from my shipmates when I surfaced. Im still sore but un-bruised.
Back at Hedo the party continued. I emceed the Nudelywed Game with wonderful participation from 5 great couples. Thanks to my scorekeepers and to Chubby for the sound system. Elvis tunes soon blared out until the rain arrived. Damn!
Several of us opted out of Toga Night for a last-night diner at LTU Pub in Negril. Sadly, they were out of ALL beef entrees but we made up for that by trying new seafood and chicken dishes. Coming back we witnessed the horrible aftermath of substance abuse. A dead body lay in the road surrounded by several Jamaicans. Seems a Hedo guest was partying at Margaritaville and was under the influence of something or things. Several other Hedo guests recognized him and his bizarre state. They arranged transportation for him to get him safely back to Hedo. Sadly, he freaked out and jumped from the moving vehicle suffering severe head injuries and died on the spot. Several of the Chicago gang were nearby soon after and offered assistance (firefighters, EMTs, cops). Nothing could be done. The body was covered with a sheet. My dinner companions and I were definitely sober after seeing this. DONT DO DRUGS IN JAMAICA PLEASE !!!!!
I came back to have one last shift at the main bar and retire my uniform.
Friday brought bright sun and an all-too-soon-come good-bye to my many past and new friends. It also meant Rupe and Patti. Hey Rupe get your own women OK!? Dont stop reading yet more Hedo gossip/observations lie ahead. MANY thanks to some VERY special people. Jeff and Loretta 10 years of fun we continue to share. Brad and Elaine. Iggy. Vicki and Kevin from England thanks for the belly laughs. Keri, a pleasure to meet you and see the rest of my old Chicago friends. Col. Andy and Wildcat Pam you live up to your reputations. Greg from LAdo you EVER sleep? Kimber for the beautiful floral lei you took the time to make for me you made me cry. Sharri from NYC you cracked ALL of us up. Warren for teaching me about the dash who knew it would impact us that day !!!! Biff and Companywell, you know what we all did and the fun we shared.
AND NOW ALL THE GOSSIP THAT FITS..
ROOM RENOVATIONS:
Work began on Monday on the tennis court nude rooms. It appears that the crews have this down to a science now as far as gutting, storing and hustling. Major work completed in one week that we saw. These rooms will be finished soon. After July 4th the H block goes under the knife. Following that, the remaining nude oceanview rooms (from the bridge to the dive shack) are next. They should be finished by October/November when the whole operation moves to the prude side.
The TVs are in all rooms. 27 or 32 screens Im not sure- in white cabinets to match the new motif. Theyre suspended from the ceiling near the swag lamp. Playboy Channel and MANY other stateside networks. (Got invited to a couples party one day in one room.to watch the NFL draft !!!). The TVs are Magnavox and have standard A/V inputs on the front for your digital camera, camcorder whatever. There is a remote control for the set. Turned it on once just to see the channel selections and then back off again.
PIANO BAR:
Only low-light of the trip. It was boring to the point of tears without Dave. Very few folks in attendance in the evening. Karaoke was the only saving grace for entertainment. The piano player is adequate, but lacks the old Dave spirit. Its definitely a sing-a-long right now. My attempt to do Hedonismville with him just didnt cut it. For the official record Dave is FINISHED for GOOD. He will NOT be returning at all. Dont ask for specifics but trust me.
FOOD:
Best ever IMHO. The chefs are getting VERY creative now. Hand-carved suckling pig was delicious (they even leave the head on !!!). Shrimp and vegetable stir-fry at the main buffet grill station looked good. Baby back ribs in an incredible sauce that actually fell off the bone. I had 3 plates and so did everyone else. They ran out of them by 9 PM.
Pork and sauerkraut stew was very tasty as well. No lobster closed season. Soups continue to excel on each trip. A creamy garlic and herb at RastaPasta was great.
Beef was reportedly not being imported from the US due to Mad Cow scares. It was passable by my standards (I speak of beef tenderloin in Pastafari only). On 2 nights at Pastafari they were out of veal even at 8 PM. The raw bar excelled with beef carpaccio, a wonderful peppered ham and roasted peppers and olives. Dee-lish! Rack of lamb didnt disappoint either.
Munahana will soon become Munasan. The signs are in but not yet installed. Benihaha bitched about the name so they changed it. We wanted to put up Many Hummers signs but awwww the heck with it. Quality still there although a little salty one night. Many guests complained about the heat from the grill while waiting for their food. Major sweating.
Food at beach grill same as always. Best burgers ever. Just get em freshly grilled instead of off the pile. With no lobster right now snapper is being cooked to order ala the pay-to-eat lobster deal.
DUTY FREE:
Closed. Everything gone. Right down to the tile floor. Dont plan on buying smokes there if you partake. Single packs only at $5.50 USD. No word on any reopening.
ICE RINK:
Outta here!! Yes its true. A new restaurant will occupy that space by the end of the year. Itll be a cross between Scotch Bonnet and other cuisine. The bar will also be open in the disco at that time. In Mr. Bourkes words, The new restaurant as well as all other food and amenities will be kicked up a notch. Its been planned and approved by SC management.
OLD TV ROOM:
Its still there. Playboy Channel on. Since the rooms have TVs now you can use it as a play room. Not as nice as Desires play room but hey.its there.
LANDSCAPING:
Lots of fresh plantings; etc. being done.
PDAs:
Lowest number Ive ever not-witnessed. In fact, on one day a couple was going at it on a chaise down by the water near the point. Security was told to have them STOP immediately. They were informed to take it out to sea (platform) or somewhere else but NOT in front of 150 guests getting some sun 10 feet away. This was from top management. While no PDAs were stopped anywhere else (hot tub; etc) the daytime sex on the beach is being slowly reigned in apparently. After I left on Friday, one of my one of my friends told me of a bizarre PDA in the cold tub. Seems that a gentleman was going at it on the side with his lady when al of a sudden he grabbed her around the throat with both hands in a choke-hold. Needless to say it caught the attention of everyone and had a few of the men ready to intervene. Different strokes for different folks I guess.
BARS:
More premium liquor in abundance. Had Tanqueray every day at Delroys as well as Absolut; etc. Posted drink specials are at each bar now. Two different drinks changed daily. Newest is a Negril Stinger. Someone get the recipe please? Champagne readily available too.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
It appears that many staff attitudes have been readjusted by management. More efficient and courteous service all the way around and in a much more relaxed manner.
Disco music still your call. I had no problems with it. No disco pole yet.
It was reported to me that a Jamaican was seen coming from my room one afternoon after being caught by my next door neighbors. THANK YOU. They immediately informed security after confronting him as he took off. A search showed no signs of theft of my property.
Vinnys or Wallys. Hardly a trace.
Hidden hot tubs. Daily maintenance now going on finally. Cleaning , draining; etc. Warm water now. Actually saw couples in them at night.
Bird aviary now a picnic grove. Concrete / wooden picnic tables and bird feeders. Nice.
Walkways to the beach near both ends of shuffleboard courts now concrete. Done while we were there.
New rooms numbers added to nude beach. 2301 for Mens Room 2302 for Roberts Grill. New mens room same size as old one. Very narrow. You almost have to walk sideways to get through to the back. 2 sinks, two urinals one stall. Oddly, no toilet paper dispenser in Mens Room. TP rolls stacked on top of toilet. Told Richard Bourke about it. He laughed. His response was I havent had the opportunity take a crap in there so I was unaware. Oh, Richard!
WATER/DIVING:
I noticed that water was remarkably clear on this trip. My daily morning floats gave great views of barracudas and stingrays swimming right under us as well as the other varieties of fish. Most folks reported very nice dives. A friend of mine hadnt been diving in 12 years and with the help of mutual friends completed a wonderful 48 foot dive one morning. Lots of jellyfish stings reported by divers and floaters in the cove as well. Sea urchins were also in abundance with lots of trips to the nurses station.
All in all, the best trip ever. If anyone has any photos of me and my cohorts-in-crime, Id love to see them. Lost a few cameras along the wayoops.
Until next time.walk good, smile long and laugh.
Likkle more !!
Its all about the dash
Doug