Dougs Hedonism II Trip Report Nov. 23-Dec1, 2003
This was first trip traveling as a single to Hedo. It was interesting to see it from a different perspective.
TRAVEL: Air Jamaica.
Right on time as always. We made the trip in almost 3 hours, shaving almost hour off of our usual flight down. Perhaps our new A-321 goes faster than the old fleet. Made it back to Philly in almost 2 - amazing !!
ARRIVAL:
Customs has become FAR more aware of guests bringing in things to the country and assessing duties. Several friends had to open bags on arrival for contraband. I was lucky and breezed right through.
Our friend Krazy Karen brought down a HUGE inflatable turkey which operates on an electric air pump. It stood over 10 feet tall, 6 feet wide and had to be tethered to the ground by 4 ropes !! An extension cord run in through her window kept it inflated when he started to sag. It stood guard over the H block rear lawn all week. Karen got hit with a $60 USD duty (now called the Turkey Tax) on the big bird as the JA authorities thought she was giving it as gift to someone. We took photos of many of us nekkid folks around it following our Spanksgiving Day parade. Karen was lucky enough to get a receipt for her duty and next year shes planning to wallpaper the box with the photos of all of us around the turkey to show that Big Tom is only a guest. Other friends were taxed on hats and small gifts.
TIM AIR: I opted for TimAir this time as mutual friends were taking it and we enjoyed the ride together. Fastest terminal-to-flight ever. Took less than 25 minutes from clearing customs to airborne. The TimAir pilots were MORE than happy to buzz the beach and of course we took advantage in not just one , but two VERY low passes. I could actually recognize friends and they us.
As the days went on it almost became a daily air-limbo contest to see who could get the lowest. Our friends Marty and Harry departed on Saturday with Harry at the controls. He came in like a kamikaze pilot. Had it not been for the high-masted boats at anchor he probably could have pruned the palm trees on the point. We have video and stills of it.
ARRIVAL AT HEDO:
Excellent check-in. Since we arrived at high noon off to the bar and beach. Keys later come as always. Received room 2236, H Block as requested (thanks Faye) and a nice bucket of champagne from Mr. Bourke (thanks Richard).
Richard Bourke is doing a FABULOUS job. He was present daily in the dining room and other facilities. Hes very personable and visible. He usually ate dinner in the main DR nightly. One day, he walked the entire perimeter of the main pool, motioning guests over to chat and get input.
ROOMS: H block not under renovation. The new rose bedspreads and red-checked drapes are in, as well a new swag lamp above the dresser. The Guldens mustard paint scheme still remains.
Two blocks of nude beach rooms were under HEAVY construction/renovation. The new paint scheme would make even an undertaker depressed. Stark, white walls with battleship-gray wood trim. The smell of paint, as well as the noise of jackhammers (or maybe industrial strength vibrators ?) filled the days. The only new items are the VERY nice sliding-glass door shower enclosures with wall jets. Everything else just got a new paint job. The bathrooms do have new tile walls in the gray paint scheme. They were not quite ready for occupancy upon my departure but it looked close at least in the 2280 bldg. Construction crews seemed to paint for five minutes watch the nudes for 5 minutes.
BEACH BATHROOMS:
The old bathroom building was gutted while we were there and it is being renovated to match the new exclusive female rest room. Despite other reports , the new ladies room is not that far away from the old one. Only 6 feet separates them. The walls are tiled (can you say GRAY !) and there are two sinks and 2 nice private stalls. They ARE handicap-accessable and the stalls large enough to accommodate a wheelchair. Sadly no handrails. I noticed far more active mopping of this bathroom and maintenance. It became a unisex bathroom for the week with the men getting the left stall and the women the right. Seemed to work out just fine. Most folks answering a SERIOUS call-to-nature went back to their rooms. We took full advantage of the demolition as you will soon read. The outdoor lighting in the area is very poor and definitely in need of upgrading from a personal safety perspective. Its quite easy for a molester to hide there.
Actually, it would make another great post for security and was suggested. No incidents were reported that I know of. It HAS been appropriately numbered as Room 2303 by an unknown prankster. Sadly, the old bathroom doors on the old bathrooms were removed so that new room numbers of 2301-2302 could not be installed.
Since I wasnt sure if there were two doors on the new ladies room, Room 2304 is now the guard shack next to Delroys. Security were only momentarily distracted as installation was completed. When confronted by security as to why numbers were being put on their hut, the response was Why NOT ?!?. Well, that confused them but the numbers remained.
SPEAKING OF SECURITY:
The taking of photos on the nude beach is being enforced rather strictly now, much to everyones surprise.
A new company, Guardsman, is now providing sex-curity. Oddly, we noticed that only FEMALE officers were posted on the nude side. Male supervisors would check on them. They were VERY much on the watch for clothed persons and informed them of the nude-only requirements. Non-compliance was enforced strictly. Guardsman seems to have a lock on almost every hotel on 7 Mile. We noticed a JCF (JA Constabulary Force) officer in the lobby at lunch one day. His dark glasses and slung M-16 assault rifle didnt exactly send a friendly message.
No sex police were ever present. Only noticed two problems at the Jacuzzi at cocktail hour. One inappropriate touch case that was handled by security followed almost immediately by a Wally in shorts practically tackled and shoved into the tub by a very stupid guest. Almost had a good fist-fight over that one. My pal Doc and I had the best seat for it though LOL.
DELROYS and ROBERTS:
Delroy and Scumba in excellent sprits as always. There are new trainee bartenders. One of the apparent heirs-in-training is a wonderful young man named Tista. Lots of fun.
Liquor was generally in good supply (including Tangueray my fave !!). By the end of the week the bar started to reek of that awful sour, pukey-type odor that comes from poor drainage. The main bar in the dining room was especially putrid all week. I see another excavation project coming as had to be done several years ago. (When will these folks ever learn to flush their taps; etc with HOT WATER DAILY ?).
Maintenance scraped all of the stickers of the six concrete posts and painted them a bland green to semi-match the rest of the bar. Im sure this cleaned-up appearance may last as long as tomorrow.
It also seems that ANY item brought from home will be hung at Delroys. Its gone from being almost all Hedo-related to just about ANY license plate to - whatever. Will the owner of Wisconsin plate ABC-123 please remove it ???
Robert remains in excellent spirits and continues his fine fries and other delights. Patties have gone from hand-sized to the size of chicken nuggets. Lobster has taken off in a big way. It is NOT hotel-sponsored. The local fisherman kept Robert in a huge supply of tails. At $5 to $10 based on size lobster was gobbled up at an amazing rate.
FOOD IN GENERAL:
Above the average IMHO. Breakfast was the same every day.
Lunch choices were varied and the pasta skillet station did a nice job. Grilled Italian sausage with peppers and onion was surprisingly good. Sadly, shepherds pie is pitiful anymore. Dry and without the spice. Salad selections were great. Several guests brought Tupperware containers to pack their lunches and return to the beach. Cool concept !
Munahana was consistently good. Pastafari got a B- from me this trip. Tenderloin of old shoe, rather than beef, was not great. Others reported good steaks though. Off night ?
DINNER BUFFET: Above average overall. EXCELLENT cream of mushroom soup ! I live in the mushroom capital of the USA and I know mushroom soup. It excelled some of the stuff Ive had HERE.
BOUTIQUE:
Very extensive selection of Hedo-wear now. No lack of t-shirt possibilities, belly packs, hats; etc. Domestic beer available by-the-can. Miller Lite, Bud Light, Corona, Heineken and Bud. Naked Truth book on sale now. Almost all of the old sex toys are gone now.
PIANO BAR: The name Veronicas HAS been removed. No new signage/name.
Dave was in fine form. Doug and Bob, two guests, provided excellent playing before Dave arrived and on Daves breaks, which seem to happen more and more frequently.
King Arthur is now the main bartender along with Alecia Ensor, the gal who took First-Prize in the island-wide bartending competition earlier this year. Shes also Hedos bartender-of-the-year. Matta is pretty much in the disco now.
I managed to premiere two new songs along with doing Hedonismville nightly. Vinnies In The Night and Thnak God Im A Hedo-boy were well received. Thanks folks !!!
The aquarium has been re-done and now features white coral motif with some pretty fish.
Karaoke was hit or miss. Those who DID sing were VERY talented.
DISCO:
Rather empty after midnight. Did make a good place for that night-cap and extended conversations from the piano bar. Less House Reggae this time nicer mix of tunes.
ICE RINK: Fuggettabout it still covered with wood. No plans yet.
BIRD AVIARY: Totally removed while we were there. May be replaced ?
HIDDEN HOT TUBS: Better maintenance being performed.
COMPUTER AREA: 2 PCs on DSL service now. Saw lots of folks online.
ENTERTAINMENT: Roots Explosion still good and somewhat less volume at dinner. Shows were average. Gloria Brown sang and was fabulous and a new review group was quite good.
The dreaded Art Auction is still drawing no one. Theyve resorted to having some ladies in high-slit dresses hustle the stuff. One funny story emerged. Our friend, HedoPrincess, was seated down front having dinner. Shes of shorter stature and one of our friends set her up by asking her if her parents were tall. When she explained that her father was tall and her Mom short she was asked how much taller? She lifted her hand up and immediately was seen as a bidder. Busted !
It was discussed that better use of that time would be to have the prostitutes up on stage and have a TART auction. Wallys; etc, could bid and end their quest for sex.
ACTIVITIES:
Coordinators in strong evidence daily, and usually on time. Nude twister and ring toss were daily. The hula-hoop is the new multi-purpose prop. Hula hoop contests, ring toss, and pass the hula hoop over the chain of bodies was fun. All types of painting contests from bodies to rocks to balloons.
Ray-Ray maintains high energy and is quite talented. He led excellent Soca aqua aerobics classes.
Lunchtime spins were above average too.
SPANKSGIVING WEEK:
The usual gang of misfits.
Several of us were invited to a private BBQ in the hills of Sandy Bay on Monday by Fox of the Hedo staff. The 8 of us enjoyed the wonderful hospitality of the Murdoch family and their neighbors who provided an EXCELLENT feast of pork, chicken, lobster salad and a variety of homemade breads. Of course, rum and Red Stripe flowed freely. We spent several hours mingling, and learning, from them and their friends including the local justice of the peace and a local farmer, Mr. Lee. The views from their hilltop home were spectacular and a steady breeze blew. A crude, but effective, outdoor stereo system provided music for our party. After thanking our gracious hosts we left for Negril hitting Ricks and Margaritaville before returning to Hedo.
Tuesday featured probably the best moment of the week or the worst depending on your perspective. I went on a walk and found the remains of the old bathrooms from the nude Jacuzzi. A hand truck was appropriated and within a few minutes, Leon and I had installed a toilet on the nude beach near the picnic tables. The rest of our group known as The Four Toileteers installed a towel rack, toilet paper dispenser and chairs for waiting in line. Magazines added. We lifted the lid and inscribed Welcome to Hedonism, POO Be Regular For A Week. We poured stale Red Stripe in the bowl, added a wad of tissue and voila Talk about gut-busting. Out came the cameras, and several folks who insisted on having a seat for a photo op. Security tried to stop the photos to no avail. Well, apparently the construction crews thought we stole a NEW toilet and notified management. A VERY serious office manager and 4 security officers converged where an investigation was launched. We heard the comment Oh mon, somebody USE it already ! After questioning proved futile, maintenance was summoned to remove it. The serious manager and the maint. guy returned still stern-faced. As we watched, the maint. guy saw the toilet and busted-out in hysterics , much to the dismay of the manager. Three men and a wheelbarrow took the offending appliance away. Ten minutes later, a lone security officer returned for the toilet paper as the last shred of evidence. Management was worried that someone would actually USE it. Our plans to do another plumbing job on the swim platform were scuttled when nervous staff locked them all up.
LET THE PARTY BEGIN !!!!!
I had keychain lanyards made up this year (200 !!!) that read DOUGS DUDES HEDO 2003 which I freely gave away to all who asked.
Tuesday was the usual sun and fun and a nice PJ Party.
Wednesday featured our only real rain in the afternoon. I did my usual Apple Martini Party at Delroys until the rain started. We moved up to the bridge on H Block where an impromptu oldies party broke out for the next 2 hours. CD players were placed on the bridge.
After the rain, we went to Delroys to sing him HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! He shares the same day with Dave Richards, the piano player. PMFs for everyone, including Delroy.
Repeater Party at 6:00 PM (moved up from 6:30 now). It was held in the bar which provided extremely poor light for seeing the buffet. Itll probably get moved back into the disco. Richard Bourke addressed the crowd and trips awarded. I just missed again at 19 when ONE guest above me had 23. Oddly, hed been coming for years and didnt know they had such a party! Damn my luck.
I took the mic and thanked Mr. Bourke for his efforts and presented him with a new emergency medical response bag for the hotel. He was most appreciative.
About 5 of us stayed at the bar and at 7:30, in arrived the very non-sober Delroy in the company of Fox. He was TOAST. We continued drinking with Delroy (he was chugging beer) and we took many photos of him with our gang most of us who are long time visitors. He wouldnt let go of ME. He just kept saying my Dougie-uggy-uggy and smiling broadly. We managed to get him outside (Fox being the designated driver) and out the back way. Nope. Delroy HAD to go to the main bar. More beer, photo ops. FINALLY Fox got him out of there. Next day no trace of any side-effects on Delroy but damn he was a RIOT. Birthday celebrations and song followed for Dave in the piano bar. We kept him sober at least.
SPANKSGIVING DAY HOORAY !!!
A VERY hot morning and afternoon greeted us. At 1 Pm the masses started assembling their costumes and props for the 69th Anal Spanksgiving Day Parade to Sandals. Santa outfits and reindeer costumes were in high appearance as well as our banner. The matriarch of our group, Mary of Mary and Jim, has been in poor health recently and was unable to walk with us. VOILA !!! Chubby arranged for a tractor and decorated trailer for the parade to carry Mary and Jim in chaise lounges as the Grand Marshals. WOW !
Off to Sandals!
Richard Bourke cheered us on from the dive shack with a broad smile.
This year the coordinators tried to run the parade instead of our leader The Rev. Jim-Bob Feelgood. Jim-Bob let the coordinators run the show. Loudly and proudly we entered Sandals. The tractor couldnt make inside so Mary and Jim stayed back til our return. The line swelled to a somewhat official count of 133 marchers, although our estimates were considerably higher probably closer to 150-160 !! A new record !
Were from Hedo , we dont care we dont have no pussy hair our cry.
The Sandals folks were their usually fun selves and we did manage a few strands of beads for the shy ladies who flashed. Security actually cleared a path this year ahead of us and offered us o go further down the beach. The heat became pretty oppressive so back we came. Back at Hedo, it was quick beverage time and re-group time to head to GRAND LIDO !!! Tractor in the lead we paraded Lido. We drove all around the property to the shock of the guests and the laughter of the staff. Mary waived majestically from her perch.
Back at Hedo, Doc From Buffalo organized a Heineken Party at the nude beach. Heineken and Miller light flowed from our trash can cooler. Dara became our Heiny Girl who was soon covered with bottle labels.
Dinner Time !!! The entire hotel was decorated with a TON of T-day decorations from the offices through the DR. Two carving stations were set up and the BEST turkey dinner EVER was served. Fresh turkeys kept coming out and breast meat was in abundance. Excellent side dishes made for a fabulous feast. BRAVO !!!
Friday and Saturday were out days for many of the guests and we applauded their buzzes on the way out.
Saturday evening had a small group of us head to Ricks Caf for sunset and a reggae concert. I managed to acquire a cordless mic (thanks Fox !) to rowdy-up da crowd. The DJ had no idea who was doing his schtick in my best Jamacian accent. The crowd enthusiastically responded to my shout-outs from my well concealed mic. Free liquor shots did their job and we returned
Sunday. A nice laid back day with nice sun and beverages.
Monday saw the departure of many of us particularly on the 3 oclock bus !!!
Since we couldnt fly we tried to organize a drive-by buzzing by commandeering the luggage truck and having us all pile in to buzz the nude pool. Time worked against us as the truck was being washed and unavailable. Hey, we tried.
The 2 buses headed back to MoBay became segregated pretty quickly. Our group was fired up and in rare form. Drinks in hand we boarded the bus. RuthAnne commandeered the champagne from the welcome table. I was able to get 2 more bottles and cups. Here we go ! Jim and Ruthanne, Red and Kitty, Lori and Dennis, Senator Scott and myself with several employees and guests boarded the bus. Well, we shot corks at the lobby and mooned the lobby, hooting and hollering the whole time. That prompted Mr. Bourke and Barabara from the office to practically ENSURE we were leaving laughing the whole time. Barbara told our driver to NOT STOP ANYWHERE with us laughing loudly.
We christened ourselves the slut bus. One poor prude tried to get on board took one look at us and in almost total fear jumped off. The ride went great with Kitty provided the 10-minute titties to flash us frequently.
Back at MoBay we all went to Maragaritaville for the last hug and cocktail.
An outstanding week. My thanks for MANY things (who know who you are) from the bottom of my heart. Leon and Babe, Tex and Precious, HedoPrincess, Red & Kitty wow. Scott, L & D, Andy & Katie, Karen, Kimmy and Kevin, Quinton & Kris and EVERY new and old friend I met. You made a very difficult transition sooooooo fabulous. Thanks for not letting me leave early in the week.
Until next time,.
Maximum respect !!!