Nov. 15-25, 2003
The Naked Truth Tour
Chris & Doug
We hadnt been back to Hedo since December 2001, so we were eager to see and try the newly constructed features of the hotel in November 2002but more importantly to see friends we missed last year.
We were leading a group called The Naked Truth Tour that Go Classy Tours had arranged for us. We had no idea who was on the tour (unless they wrote Chris in advance) or how many folks had signed up via Go Classy, but sure turned out grand with all the participation in the events and games we had planned.
THE BUS RIDE
The bar called Golden Apple/Gingerman (with its sexually oriented sayings decorating the walls) , not Lollypops, seems to be the main stopover point bus drivers now use for guests to buy beers and release beers when moving from MoBay to Hedo. Dont know what kind of cut the drivers get. Cold Red Stripes were $2 each. The bar used to be on the main road but now its on a jug-handle and slightly out of the way.
Ride back to the airport was only 70 minutes during rush hourfabulous! And Chris, who is normally the mal de mer queen of bus rides, had not one queezy moment because the road has been redone so nicely. Ditto for Doug. Though Dougs only taken the bus a few times he always seems to be sharing a ride with everyones favorite Hedo baggage guy, Tony, who lives in MoBay and makes the trek daily.
CHECKING IN
When we arrived at Hedo around 1 p.m., check-in took about an hour and we said wed accept an H-Block room instead of an ocean front (which we had booked) if the H-block room would be available first (actually we prefer H-Block for its conviviality).
We made our way to the back offices to say hi to Delano, Faye, and Donna Grant. Joe Smith was on-property as well with warm greetings. He surprised us with two of the 21st Anniversary t-shirts he had saved for us. Thanks, Joseph!
Doug called the front desk to fix our shower, which was Niagara Falls, and within an hour a plumber did his job perfectly. The efficiency sure pleasantly surprised us!
NEW PRUDE BEACH FACILITIES
Hot tubs: During the week, Doug & I scouted out the elusive small hot tub hidden in the foliage on the prude side...go up the path between the garden & ocean prude rooms, and turn left onto the lawn after the red firebox on the left side of the path....keep going toward the tall foliage--it's hidden in there. When we arrived, the small tubs on the nude and prude side were not working...but when we left, they were--an erstwhile event apparently.
Love shacks: You know those little gazebos they built all over the new prude beach additions? They've started installing king-size, one-piece chaise-type mattresses in these units. They go edge-to-edge. We started calling them the "Love Shacks" but we changed to name to "F**k Huts".
The new gym and spa complex is great. Nice selection of free weights, machines and cardio equipment. The spa has several treatments available and numerous therapy rooms. Theres also a Quiet Pool and warm water pool in the center for peaceful relaxation. Sadly, nudity wasnt allowed in those areas.
You are NOT supposed to tip the employees in the spaaccording to Donna Grant and Joseph Smith, who told Chris that the employees there are paid well. Guests ARE tipping though because the services are not part of the all-inclusive trip.
You can, however, take quiet time and sit in the spa for no charge. Chris did just that for an hour or so and certainly missed a lot of action that went on at the nude beach. (Note to self.dont do that again!)
The landscaping around the new additions was notable too for its beauty. Walkway lights, cut into the walls, have wooden fronts that are cut out to read Body, Mind, Spirit, Soul.
The water slide is a must, even for the timid (took Chris 20 minutes of cajoling before shes go down--and shes usually so willing to go down). Once was enough for Chris, who will do it again on a future trip with Doug at the end to lift her sorry butt up out of the water. Doug on the other hand found a new toy. A few days were spent in unofficial competition for time and re-entry distance. A few--Doug included--almost smashed into the disco wall.
Nude is okay on the slide--but a no-no on the main pool deck. Perhaps that was the rule de jour. Doug had to be reminded several times by the attendants that he was only to go down on his back--feet first. So much for the rules.
The ice rink. Covered with plywood sheeting. However, Chubby told us that it WILL open sometime. Hedo is buying skates and Chubby was instructed that he was to pick up a skate sharpening machine somewhere in Jamaica in the next few weeks when it arrived.
TIDBITS:
Light beer: All the kegs at Delroy's (and other bars) were Red Stripe Light -- not the regular lager. Red Stripe has an alcohol content of 4.7%. Red Stripe Light is 3.6% - and you can taste the difference. Unlike American light beers where calories are reduced, D & G's brand reduced the alcohol (to keep the JA workforce a lot more sober after lunch we'd guess). Maybe it's a cost thing for SuperClubs, or maybe they want to keep us sober. Doug asked Scumba why they were serving it and his reply was "cuz dats what dey give us."
Toys: One character, a guy who called himself Julio (Bill) brought a Sybian and invited folks to the room to romp on itonly had one attachment though because he bought it used; Chris favorite attachment was missing, darn it! He also made a name for himself by ornamenting everyone with mardi gras beads and handing out penis straws for all the ladiesmost appreciated!
Ring toss: One night, a female guest decided that ring toss needed to be played during the hot tub cocktail hour with her glow-in-the-dark plastic bracelets. The crowd never got much beyond the fluffing part.
Food: Friday, not Wednesday, is now the day of Shepherds pie, but its flavorlessno more big chucks of spices that look like tree branches to remove.No lobster on Tuesday either, but mealy ones (some succulent ones) available for a fee at the nude beach grill. Since then, though, reports are that lobster is back every week.
We ate only two of our 10 dinners in the dining roomMunahana, with its fresh veggies, and Pastafari, with its veal and cream sauce and tenderloin and mashed potatoes, were just too good. We enjoyed NOT having a group to make reservations with at the Asian restaurant because we were always seated with other folks and could make new friends that way. Reservations always fill up earlyso call Delete at the Tour Desk at 9 a.m. when she gets in. (If you are awake that early)
We did one night out at our old favorite LTU Pub, but the quality was sorely lacking this year, and it wasnt serving its tenderloin slathered with mushrooms and onions, which is a main reason to go there. Another night we went to Grand Lidos Caf for a quiet meallovely change of pace and good but not memorable.
Agustus was named Employee of the Year. His photo (sans baseball cap) revealed a bald top, complete with tan lines, and his dreadlocks tucked neatly back. It was hanging in the main dining room near the dessert bar.
The conch shower by the massage shack was torn down. Dont know why. Still a shower--but no walls in November.
All the courtyard shops (T-shirts, sundries, logo) except Lachis Perfume Palace have been consolidated into the sundry shop area. The wall between the two was removed and a tile floor laid. Imported beer is also available by the can or case. Heineken, Corona, Bud and Bud Light as well as Coors Light were available at $2.60 U.S. per can! Some of the dildos and vibrators had been marked-down for quick sale in the response to the Issa family disapproving of their display. Chris noted the plastic foot (literally a foot with toes) vibratorapparently it wasnt a big seller. A senior staffer indicated the toys would return in a far more discreet location.
Premium booze seemed elusive some days/nights. Some days thered be Tanqueray at Delroys but not at the piano bar. On one such night, Doug went to the main bar--asked for a bottle of Tanqueray for the piano bar--and GOT IT without any hassle (a rare thing). Watch out, ladies, hes one smooth talker.
Leaky roofs. Wed been somewhat assured the dining room roof had been repaired since September. On one of our typical rain-outs we headed to the dining room. The roof held for about 15 minutes and the leaks commenced. Through light fixtures, down columns--everyplace. Two inches of water gathered on the floor of the seat pit area in the lobby. Management were writing down the leak locations.
Nude side music. Many folks indicated they were sick of the adult songs played almost every other minute and the boring repetition daily.
The disco bathrooms have been totally renovated with new fixtures, floors; etc. Much needed and much appreciated.
The nude beach now has a guard shack. Unfortunately, its sealed in Plexiglas making for hot occupancy.
NAKED TRUTH TOUR EVENTS
Despite the unusual daily deluge, we were able to hold a welcoming car wash party in the hot tub on Saturday night for the new arrivals. Friendly fondling was enjoyed by all comers.
During the festive week, Chris led three get your fat asses in the pool aqua-aerobics classes. Non-athletic folks in the sidelines proclaimed exhaustion because of the bobbing of their heads keeping beat with the bouncing boobies. The breast stroke has never been so much fun.
Sundays sarong-tying class gathered about nine ladies standing in a circle to learn to tie their pretty rectangular beach wraps. The amusing part was being circled by so many men who wanted to see the ladies put their clothes on.
One afternoon we brought out Hello Im name labels Chris had specially created for the event with little breasts and penises that folks could write on and stick anywhere on their bodies. Hello, Im in Rehab, Hello, Im heteroflexible, Hello, Im into anal were some of the glorious labels the crowd immersed themselves in for cocktail hour amusement.
The shear volume of daily rain killed a few game ideas, but we still held:
--a massage contest with six men and six womensure went through a lot of oil on that one
--a body point gameChris invented this one.think of a blind folded naked girl armed with Silly String
--a frozen t-shirt contestsix twosomes tried to melt their frozen t-shirt with much anguish and concentrated work for almost 20 minutes before Maria was finally able to be the first to don the freezing fabric to win. Reports are that the ECs are now running the contest as a new activity since then.
"Drag & Tramp" night: The Naked Truth Tour hosted a "Drag & Tramp" night on Friday night and had maybe 35 or 40 guys in drag, with their trashy-dressed broads where applicable, enter the dining room en masse (led by our gaudily dressed pimp Keith from Pa.).
Gawd, we were a sorry sight. The tarts were all snapping and pooping their bubble gum. Chris also brought balloons for the mens boobies. Even the coordinators and management mentioned making the event a regular night...who knows, but I doubt it.
Some memories of the queens of the event..Alan and Steve, who are not tiny men, wore Chris bikini tops (with a ribbon to reach it around back) and wore darling skirts made from sarongs. Joe kept lifting his dress to show his lifelike strap-on dildo. Brian became the proud wearer of the sign on the dessert table: "chocolate tart." Don's penis necklace highlighted his girlish good looks.
Chris kept blowing bubbles with her gum and bouncing her bubbles off the faces of unsuspecting Vinnies. She brushed out her shoulder-length absurdly curly hair so it was truly a fuzz ball of horror (curly haired folks do not brush their hair for this reason). Doug wore Chris tampons tied to his earrings and a button that read: Is my dick too long to wear with this skirt?
The non-drag guests liked the event too--made for a lot of guest interaction--even the Vinnies wanted to hang and talk. Some guys who originally said they didn't want to be bothered ended up running back to their room to get dressed to be part of the fun. Some guys stayed "in costume" for hours into the night.
Of the event, one friend said: We both got into the spirit, but we lost our washcloths that night when someone stole Rick's boobs.
Nudely-Wed Game: Along with the Drag & Tramp night, another big event was Thurdays afternoon Nudely-Wed Game (emceed by Doug, the master of disaster, on a sound system the ECs brought onto the beach for us), which garnered a huge nude beach crowd to see four couples compete for goofy sex prizes by matching answers with their spouses'. Doug even had the theme music from the original show on CD for authenticity
The populace of the nude pool complex came over to watch the game on the beach. Delroy and Scumba wanted to know if wed do it again that week because they were laughing so hard. Actually, we wanted to but--well, you know how things go at Hedo.
During the Nudely-Wed Game, once the word ANAL came out of a players mouth early on, everyone knew the game was certainly being held at Hedo.
After the Nudely-wed game we put our rock n roll CDs into the sound system because the one by Delroys was busted, and the crowd jammed to great oldies the rest of the afternoon till the ECs took away our toy. Delroy, Scumba, and the guests were singing along with Elvis, Chuck Berry; and many Motown and other 60s hits.
We want to thank the many folks who helped run the games and events and participated in them and even just watched them with amusement.
The Naked Truth Tour was so much fun, and apparently a success for Go Classy, so Doug & I will be hosting it again next year Nov. 14-22see you then!
Chris Santilli (chris@wordcrafting.com ) and
Doug Bowen (Hedodude@aol.com )