Walter & May - December, 2009 Wet, Wild, and Wicked ®
WWW Dec. 2009 - Wet Wild
and Wonderful!
It was another great trip
with a great group of people. Good
times, endless laughs,
and terrible,
earth-shattering hangovers. I lost my
voice on the second day (much to the
relief of everyone from
Negril to Lucea I'm sure. May lost hers
around the fourth day.
All she could do was
whisper "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty",
or "I'm horny",
to which I would reply "Go
get some chicken", "Get me a drink while
you're at the bar",
and "Hang on. I'm watching
the orgy."
Ok, so I know everyone
wants to hear about the orgy, but
first I would have to ask which
one do you want to hear
about? The one that started on Delroy's
bar (who shooed them away)
and then continued in the
hot tub for a couple of hours in the
afternoon, or the one that
happened at the edge of the
hot tub after midnight, or the several
that occurred on any of
numerous rafts? Sex police?
What the heck are sex police?
Volleyball was fun as
usual. No over-enthusiastic dorks that I
can remember. May and I were on
different teams most days,
and one time we got into an argument. It
turned into a wrestling match,
and of course being the far
stronger of the two I ended up on top
thrusting away (no penetration. Too
much sand. For show only,
to demonstrate my domination) May starts
yelling "I'm winning! I'm winning!'
and I laugh so hard that
May heaves me off and the game
continues. You know, just a regular
every-day
volleyball game at Hedo.
Another day on the court my
side gets aced on the serve and I ask
"How the heck did that happen?"
May yells from across the
net,"There's a big gaping hole in your
defense!" and points.
I yell back "A gaping hole?
You want to see a gaping hole?" and I
turn around and bend over and haul
it open. STFU John laughed
so hard we though he was going to vomit.
You know, just another regular
game of volleyball at Hedo.
Later that night in the hot
tub, it was a clear night and several
people were looking up at the stars
(can you see where this is
going yet?) One young fellow points up
and asks "Is that the big dipper?"
I reply "No, that's under
water at the moment." He smiles weakly
and then says "I think that's Mars
over there," to which I
reply "I don't know about that, but I
can see Uranus." He frowns a little, but
undeterred says "I want to
stay awake and see the sun come up," and
of course I can't leave that alone.
"I'm too tired to stay
awake for that, but here's a black hole
for you to look at," as I step out of
the
hot tub and bend over. May
took me by the hand and put me to bed.
She's a good woman.
Tom and Cheryl arrived a
few days after the party had started
(damn airlines) but jumped right in
as expected. It took at
least five of us to get him into bed
that night, twice. God bless a happy
drunk.
I had a running theme over
the week in which I wore a new T-shirt
most days with naked May on the
front and back,
commemorating each of our nude
vacations. I guess they were a bit of a
hit because
some people asked if they
could have them. The same thing happened
with one of May's home-made
dresses (see May's picture
page, link at the bottom). May wore it
to dinner and then one nice lady
said that she loved it and
could she have it, right now. So May,
ever agreeable, strips it off and
exchanges dresses with her.
That caused a little confusion for the
people who had seen May earlier
with her own dress and then
later with a different dress. Loads of
laughs.
Later that same evening May
and I are dancing and we see some
trouble in the corner of the dance
floor, so we Meringue over
to check it out. A lady wearing a mesh
cat suit has become entangled with
the buttons on her
husband's shirt and can't break free.
"It's okay, the exact same thing
happened to us
two nights ago" I tell
them. "I know how to fix it. Just let me
do my work!" "Ok." they say and in ten
seconds I have the lady
completely naked on the dance floor.
Then, it being unnecessary but inspired,
I turn to May, and in seven
seconds she's the same way.
STFU John watching from the
tables laughs so hard we all thought
that he was going to vomit. The woman
was genuinely grateful.
I don't remember the how or
why, but one night I found myself giving
a demonstration in the piano bar
of how to correctly apply a
leather whip to a woman's naked
posterior. People just sort of assumed
that
I would have the requisite
skills and pressed me into service.
Thank the lord for all those hours of
internet porn. I actually
learned and applied a skill! Gales of
laughter, but I don't think her name was
Gale.
Karaoke was a blast, with
some excellent performances. Kris, being
a semi-pro, set the place on fire,
and this got May all
nervous as May had to follow her. Not to
worry. By the end of May's performance
("Downtown" by Petula
Clark, except May substituted the word
Hedo for Downtown, and May was wearing
next to nothing (mini-mini
skirt and nipple shields, but I digress,
see the pictures)) people were shouting
MAY MAY MAY!!! and the
aforementioned Kris came over and kissed
May on the lips. Now that's the mark
of a good show! May
repeated the performance later in the
week with rocking rendition of Proud
Mary.
A bunch of other stuff went
on in the piano bar, including Matt
getting kicked out for smoking a giant
joint
that Tom had lit up and
passed to him. And the baby-faced single
dork who kept flipping everyone off.
And the usual saucy antics
on top of the piano. Even Tom got up
there, although he somehow lost
his bottoms on the way.
Ladies, that's something to keep in mind
in case you think that a piano-side seat
is a good idea.
Sunshine announced "Naked
Twister" one morning on the beach. Never
having witnessed this before, we
jumped up to watch, but not
to participate. Sunshine had other ideas
and the next thing you know May is
upside down and woven
through several other participants.
Having Tom's balls hanging one inch from
her
mouth I take off my hat and
put it over her face. A muffled
"Thank-you honey," is met with piles of
laughter
from everyone, except for
Tom who is apologizing to May.
There was one staff member
in the dining room who kept asking the
ladies, and Matt, to cover up. When he
tried this on May she just
pointed to Bill and said "He's wearing
less than I am, and his boobs are bigger
than mine!" Both true. That
was the end of that little problem for
May.
There was body painting on
the beach one afternoon. A number of
ladies participated, but no men. No men
until
Tressina calls me over and
demands to paint my penis. Well, what's
a guy to do? She makes quite a meal of
it, so to speak, but being
unsure of the etiquette of such
a situation, a half dozen ladies and a
lady security guard
watching closely, I figure
that discretion is the best course, so I
think about dead kittens, and my job,
and
May's mother, and so on
until the artwork is complete. My unit
now having a primarily black paint job,
Tressina
paints some black smudges
around May's mouth to complete the
illusion, and everyone is tickled, so to
speak.
We wander up the beach to
display the artwork and of course a
camera comes out. No problem from our
point
of view, but the lady
security guard spots it and very
politely gives us chapter and verse.
We're not upset. She's
doing her job, and is being
nice about it. So we just wander down
the beach to a more secluded location
and
the photos happen there.
That was the only time all week that we
know of that anyone was cautioned about
photography in the nude
areas. We later wandered back and spent
a few minutes chatting with the lady
security
guard. She was very nice,
and, I think, a little amused by all of
the antics in spite of herself.
Back in the piano bar
(which night? How the hell would I know
which night? It's Hedo, remember?) and
Tom and
Matt and I are just
frigging wrecked, but happy. If anyone
is nervous about singing a song in front
of an audience,
we are the audience that
you want to sing for. We cheer. We clap.
We scream for more from every single
singer.
We can't get enough. We are
the best thing ever for your ego! The
next day someone described us as "full
throttle".
I had to ask them to
whisper, thank you. At least I was able
to get up and socialize. Matt was
nowhere to be found,
and Tom was neck deep in
the ocean for most of the day.
There were single men, as
usual, and as usual most were nice guys.
I was having a whiz in the washroom by
the
hot tub and there is a
single guy in the stall next to me. It
being Hedo I figure I can violate the
no-talking rule
of men's bathrooms and I
say "You're here alone aren't you?
That's pretty brave. I could never do
it. Single
guys have such a bad
reputation."
He says "I hear what you're
saying, but I try to be respectful and
try not to be one of those dorks that
people
complain about." and off he
goes.
Thirty, count 'em, thirty
seconds later and he's getting a blowjob
in the pool. Yup, he's fitting in just
fine.
There were several others
though that I found alternatively
amusing (in a mocking way) or pathetic.
None of them
caused any problems that we
saw, but for the love of Jamaican
patties, get naked and get me a drink,
or go
back to your room and stick
your hand down your pants there instead
of on the deck of the nude pool. Yes,
true story.
We ate at Munasans twice.
Good both times. One night was toga
night and I was wearing a toga from the
waist
down. Our waitress said
that I couldn't eat there unless I put
on a shirt. I politely said that no, I
wasn't putting on
a shirt and that we would
eat at the buffet instead. She quickly
backed down and nothing more was said.
Hmmm.
We went to Pastafaris for
one dinner. It was quite good, except
that I got someone else's steak. It was
a good
steak, but this isn't the
first time that this has happened. Hmmm.
The buffet was good.
Exceptionally good on some nights. They
do have trouble with beef however.
Either not cooked,
or so tough that we
couldn't eat it. But we always found
lots to eat, so it was more comical than
irritating (we can eat
beef by the truck load at
home, so we're not missing anything). We
had lobster tails on the first Friday of
our trip,
which was excellent, but
the second Friday, which was DennyP's
week, there was no lobster. Hmmm.
We danced, and we danced,
and then we danced some more. Sunshine
was singing during the talent show and
I took May's hand and made
to head to the dance floor, which is
completely empty and has been since the
talent
show started. "We can't
dance! It's the talent show! Sunshine is
singing! We can't interrupt her!" Yeah,
well, I'm
at Hedo and if I want to
interrupt someone's act and dance with a
beautiful half-naked woman on an empty
dance
floor, then that's what I'm
going to do. I keep a firm grip on May's
hand and take her to the middle of the
floor and
we dance, completely alone,
May protesting in my ear the whole time.
Thirty, count 'em, thirty seconds later
and the
dance floor is so packed
that we can hardly move. I look May in
the eye and she says "Oh, shut up and
dance me
around." People just want a
leader.
A steel band played one
night. Fantastic! Except no one was
dancing. Well, no one except for two
guys who have
the whole floor to
themselves and are dancing like
spastics. This shall not stand!
Something must be done about this!
So down I go and join them,
and the three of us light it up to that
rockin' Jamaican beat! What we lack in
rhythm and
moves we more than make up
for in enthusiasm. Buy the end of the
number STFU John was laughing so hard
that we
thought he was going to
vomit. The dance floor was filled for
the rest of the night. People just want
a leader, or in this
case, three drunken
spastics.
That's all that I can
remember, but I know that's not all that
happened. Hope we can make it again next
year and
do it all over again.
Here is a link to May's
pictures: