Chris Santilli
with the WWWW gang Dec 2-10, 2005
Now that Ive tortured myself with the WWWW gang, I have to decide whether to make this December trip or my regular November trip for next year. Yeah. Thanks for being so terrific, you devilish WWWWers. What a blast!
Arriving
Stepping off the plane in MoBay, I missed the smack of moist, hot air on my face. Actually, what I missed most was seeing all the Americans scrambling to peel off their winter wear at the bottom of the stairs. Within the last year, renovations at Sangster included new jetways so the tarmac never felt my feet.
And after the hike from Gate 13 to immigration, I figured I must already have made it to Negril, but alas, only long lines awaited. But the process was surprisingly smooth.
I again forgot to sit on the right side of the bus, so I had to wear a sweater to block my delicate flesh from the warming rays of the midday sun piercing the left side of the bus for the uneventful hour-and-a-half ride to Hedo2 with the ubiquitous one stop at the Green Apple after passing Lucea. (long-enough sentence for you?) The bus driver said the clock in Lucea was meant for St. Lucia (supposedly hundreds of years ago), and the city just never returned it.
Two runners on the bus, who were to be in the next-day Negril marathon, talked about their training and suffering, which made me glad that I would only be in charge of holding up the bar all week.
Im always amused by the signage in Jamaica. The intimations of God and doing what is right weighs heavily in the language. These signs dotted the roadway: Dont be in a hurry to enter eternity.
Games, toys & pranks
Dianes 22-lb saddle of Sybian love broke in transit, so Steve, the resourceful one, took almost two days doing surgery on it (with the help of duct tape) to make it all better for rides.
Goofiest game: One guest brought hundreds of ping pong balls upon which two other guests wrote a gazillion stupid suggestionsand then cast them into the pool. The balls enjoined the guests to Touch a bald head, Kiss a Mike, Find a genital piercing, Bump bellies, Blow Jim.
Most surprising game: The coordinators game of throwing darts at balloons on the beach was odd because the balloons were about 10 feet from Delroys. The result: naked, drunk players were throwing darts at the naked, drunk bar patrons.
Darling Georgette stormed the wet T-shirt contest with her silicon-free t-shirt and daring moves (the audiences loud clapping, shrieking, and banging voted her #1good to have friends in low places). Those breasts could have put some eyes out. The EC repeatedly announced that guests could NOT take pictures (camera or video) but the Color Negril guy was there and anyone could buy the pictures the next daygo figure.
A rock painted by a couple despised by a large group of IC Hedophiles found its way into a particular guests bed one night (when he ran into it with his knee while creeping in the dark next to his sleeping wife who truly had no idea how it got there). Meetings were held all week regarding the photos to be taken for its disposal. One included the ritual peeing purification photo.
Somehow, a gazillion items such as the chess pieces and the lobby Christmas tree ended up in one guests room. The mystery of Hedo lives on.
Dancing girls powered by cunnilingus were an afternoon entertainment at Delroys for what seemed like 2-3 hours. But guests do have their priorities: One guest was receiving a blow job in the hot tub one afternoon and saw that fresh towels were being delivered so he jumped up mid-stroke to go get one.
Some Hedo guests behavior during the week earned them a note from the principals office under their door with a check-off list of guest complaints about inappropriate activities, such as those below:
__Unruly, obnoxious and excessive behavior late at night.
__Exposing your genitals in the face of the guest lying on the adjacent beach chair.
__Farting on the beach. (I understand Denny got called on this one.)
__Exposing your genitals while in the dining room. (One of my crimes against nature.)
__Applying suntan lotion to your genital area for an excessive amount of time.
The note indicated that further complaints would result in your facing a panel of peers who would decide to vote you off the island so please dont blow it.
Alcohol & drugs
No Sucky became Jodys words of complaint to a local vendor when the pipe she bought didnt work. But her words of wisdom that followed were key: Do you realize the importance of the hole?
Jims Jug was a daily occurrence with the con job asking you to taste test to determine which jug was better so you HAD to drink from both. Im delighted to report, after much oral contact on SO many levels during this trip, I didnt not come home ill from Hedo for the second time in my entire life. That jug stuff really does kill all the bugs. Thankfully, though, I have some stomach lining left.
Beware when Cher makes brownies for HedoBobs birthday. EVIL. EVIL. EVIL (but tasty little f*ckers). Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Off Campus
Bingees Office of Nature was up and running in fine form with tasty lobsters; however, the price is up to $20 and no longer includes rice and veggies (just great Texas Toast), so I no longer recommend it as a value. Beers are up to $3 (from $2 two years ago). The dive boat brought a group of us over to Bloody Bay with no problem (even though one dive shack staff member, Grantly (sp?), said repeatedly that Hedo boats are NOT allowed to bring guests anywhere).
Room & Board
Most rooms had plenty of hot water (except Room 2180) and the hot tub and pools were reasonable temperatures all week.
Towels were not MIA, as was the complaint the previous two weeks. Towels were so new that theyd leave fuzzies on hairy bodies so we could pick the nits off one another for sport.
The breakfast and lunch menus felt identical and bland, day after day. I sure do enjoy the cut up grapefruit though. But grapefruit juice was MIA for at least two days at the beach bar so I had to scramble for new drink ideasthe Chris Piss requires grapefruit (plus pineapple & rum) and Ting didnt cut it.
Other days, lots of other mainstays werent available, such as bacon, which was available at breakfast so one gal just gathered up a bag of it to save for lunch. The chocolate-mint martinis were scrumptious (look for the table near the pool behind the main bar on Friday nights).
The french fries were particularly compelling this week even though Robert was out till the end of the year. All bartenders were friendly and lively all week. Bees and the stinky-sour-sweet smell once common at Delroys and the main bar were not in evidence (a refreshing change!).
Michael Thompson, the executive head chef, left in November 2005 for Russia. His replacement is Grand Lido-trained Adrian, who looks incredibly young and was visible during meals. I hope he can improve the meals soon because I was underimpressed except for the specialty restaurants and the grand buffet.
The spa continues its excellenceI recommend the Indian Head Massage with Veda. For 50 minutes ($54 + 16.5% tax) shell rub the bejesus out of your back, neck, and head. Its better value than a full massage (at $20 more) and youll feel just as revived.
Best line said to a fellow naked person: I see they lost your luggage, too.
Most oft-said line: Theres someone for everyone.
Renees most oft-said line: It wasnt me.
Final words:
Diane: Thank you thank you thank youAND where would I have been without your antiperspirant and those foil-wrapped items?
SFU John: Your being quiet is just as charming as your nonstop loud mouthkeep up the good work.
Mr. Sunlovers: You are positively devilish and I like it!
Lee: The South should be proud of your gentlemanly qualities and other fascinating talents too.
HedoBob: You and Cher are evil and suck people in to doing naughty things!
Fran: Damn, you are hot, womancan I use Bob to get to you?
Tim: Egads! Ive met my male doppelganger; were both howlers at the moon and chasers of moving vehicles.
Jeb: Breakfast, champagne and you, baby!
Monique: Dont ever stop wearing silky dresses.
Gary & Brian: When will you two properly maul me? Your wives are laughing at you.
Les: I owe you a PJ party.
Llamb: You be mother nature and keep on handing out that pussyum.
Joe: Sleep with one eye open, mdear. (And oh my! Im still so impressed.)
Ian & Angela: Your vows were touching and I wish you two all the best.
Paul: Sneer at me all you want; you make good Hedo wallpaper.
YaYa gals: Youse all be darlings. Finally, we could all be in one spotwell, sorta!
DennyP: Thanks for making WWWW possible.
All others: I had to end this list sometime and you should likely be on it too!
Best regards,
Chris Santilli
The Naked Truth About Hedonism II