04w, according to Jeb

[  First email received after reaching home was from Danimal.  Significantly, his subject line stated, "So how was it? "   ... For you Rookies, now initiated, when repeat w'ers can't make it to the party they kind of die-a-little inside.  It hurts for them even more than it does for us, but it doesn't hurt more than the Second Saturday which for all of us, really sucks. ]

(Seven days earlier) ... as 04w arrivees dribble in from Sangster, one of our brethren dribbles over the open latrine at the road-to-Negril halfway pit stop, that famous roadside we will call Red Stripe One.  Red Stripe One tribs into Lucea River.  Y'all know Lucea River because we cross it both coming and going to H2, its pasta green ooze being notably still - very, very still. Lucea River hosts two famous crustacean families, Salmon & Nella, where they do their daily business. However, it takes their progeny about six days to move up along the coast at lobster speed in order to reach the H2 kitchen. The trip is long and tiring for a lobster, explaining why some of them, like the one you ate last night, was soft and mushy, and not crisp. They complete the ocean journey with a heavy bacterial fever, and arriving by Friday, they ensure that your second Saturday, the Saturday on which you depart H2, really sucks.

Second Saturday

(Current day) Second Saturdays are also marked by hugs and goodbyes, final kissy- face exchanges of your crud with her flu, that pre-busride grasp for your lomopectate, the luggage crunch, the long airport lines, and of course the beginning of the 05w countdown. For Chuck and Jenny, however, it's also hours of delay at the airport, since their USAir is stuck in O'Hare. For the Wyoming Ferrets, it's the next to last day before they won't even see each other again, let alone their 04w pals. Second Saturdays Suck. It's also saying goodbye to Sienna, our virtual 04w rookie, who was even slower than Secunda to lose her panties. In fact, she may never have (for sure, this writer will never know). But she sure had fun, with everyone, as they did as well with her. And the kids at Lucea would have had fun with Sienna, had they not been on a sports day field trip in Lucea. We hope their sports day did not include water sports on Lucea River ...eeewwww ! ..eeeeeeeewwwwwwww !


Friday ... just before arrival of Sal and Nella

The pool pace has picked up markedly today. We all know that our time here is increasingly short. How to make it last ?  On his lounge chair in the shade where he spent most of the week, Keith is startled by the sound of an overhead helo, with blades moving about 500 rpm. As it lands on the nearest palm leaf and cuts its engines, Keith leaps up, scrambling faster than the time Ursula first said in 1966, "I'm ready for you big boy". We waited four hours for an entomologic ID from little Diane (away shopping).  Lacking Diane's input Denise proceeds to classify Mr. Bug as "it's just a big cicada, Jeb".  Shower Queen makes her contribution, exclaiming it's an "aaaaahhhHHH!!! BUG!!!";  and Jackie remains so fascinated that she nearly nurses it. 

Thursday ... mid morning

Have you ever calculated your daily cost at H2. Try allocating everything over your lodging, air, airport parking, children & pet sitters, and the certainty of your post trip viral MD and meds expense . Well, your costs just went ^up^, because Thursday morning has now been taken away from you, and has been designated as pool deck and bathtub- ring scrub day. Had a few of us not intervened, it would have lasted till noon.  As twenty guests stood by and watched in disbelief, two staff members leisurely and lazily hoe-bend there way around the nude pool.  These two oblivious fellows were simply shocked when several guests finally informed them that they were relieved of their duties...i.e. "you're done dude".  HedoBuff50 even contemplated sugaring the compressor's gas tank, then realized that his Grand Marnier pee would be more devastating (maybe next trip). This lost pool time incident marked the weeks activity nadir, since 04w time remaining now feels short.  Besides, today was the last day of Honey.

Thursday evening

After Toga dinner, Ed Ames, Patsy Cline, and Meredith Houston, all sang to us. Meredith hit some notes that made us all shiver with delight, Patsy hit fewer (a lot fewer), and Ed was a snore. Finally, however, Nadia Jamal energetically belly danced her hips around the floor. Ever wonder where that energy and came from? ...Well, earlier that afternoon I was shaken awake from my scumbalibre stupor, by a nearby rumbling. Looking to my left, there was Angela innocently reading Patterson's Pop Goes the Weasel. But, the temblors were cuming from my right as Nadia was popping hubby's weasel. Doesn't she know he can go blind by doing that. Thank God for Sienna (...just a joke, Sienna! ).

Wednesday 

Having held class earlier in the afternoon at the hot tub, showing her technique for nearly 45 minutes, Mrs. Higgenbottom succeeded in teaching her student on the art of delay, rather than being prompt and on time. As the ringman (w/ panama hat) continually orbited nearby, and as the rest of us eager students waited and waited for something to happen, hoping to be next, some finally stopped looking at their dive watches and brought out calendars.  Alas, Mrs. Higgenbottom's first student never passed  ... Later at school girl night, the principal-ed Mrs. Higgenbottom, appeared in her mistress suit with blackjack in hand. She promised us more instruction and more discipline in the next study hall. It is this writer's fervent wish to attend next time, and to be the head of her class. 

Tuesday

Slow morning. Everyone is on the Cat cruise. About 2:30 things begin to pick up. But, how to pick up the pace? More alcohol? Less alcohol? More toys? ... a few ping pong balls are still hanging around, the water balloons were an unmitigated failure, so we try squirt guns. Rule: squirt guns don't work if you bring three. But bring thirty and everyone gets involved. 

Ground Hog Day

It's only Day two yet it feels like being caught in a happy, pleasant tape loop. There's no hurry Mon, because everything that's important today will still be here tomorrow.  You know that you're relaxed when Charlie's omelets even taste better than the day before. Also Keith corners you again, telling you again, that this is their 22nd trip, and Ian and Angela remind you that they have seen three groups cum and leave. Then there is Headley, out there again trimming the same sidewalk with his machete. A Machete ! 

Sunday 

Wow, what a group! This year we have a brain surgeon (and her proud Mom & Dad), an internet architect, an anesthesiologist, a dive boat captain, an ophthalmic surgeon, three horny airline pilots, three Vietnam and Gulf War helo pilots, two Ferrets, two geeks from Sierra Vista, an esteemed entomologist, and a couple of Napa grape entrepreneurs. Sunday is getting those long missed NBH's from Deb, checking out a few new tattoos, chasing the hair of the dog with Scumba's Bloody Mary's, and meeting Honey. Honey is an Atlanta creation and perhaps the most caress-able rookie of the year, undressed to kill in only a cowboy hat.

Saturday

In order to justify their existence - the TSA confiscates my Lysol in Tallahassee, dooming me to the H2 Crud. But thanks to Rupe's advice from years earlier, they can't take my Airborne. At the time of this writing, I'm still popping these fizzes. They make everything better. Used them every four hours at H2, on the plane, and back at home even in my green tea. Don't believe their advertising. Use them during a cold-flu-virus, as well as a prophylaxis. 

Another observation - on the road to Negril, there are more goats this year, and fewer wild burros. which leads one to conclude there is no change in the number of assholes over Lucea River ....eeewwww ! ..eeeeeeeewwwwwwww !

Miss y'all, but remember we got 4 more baby !