Mikey (UPSMAN)- April, 2009

Hello folks!
Mikey the UPSMAN here.
Let me tell ya something. This week had to be the best week I have ever had at Hedo.
I was expecting a large crowd and knowing that a few of the regulars weren't coming , was a bit disappointing but these bastards who said they couldn't make it, kept showing up, day in and day out!!
I guess it's hard to stay away from a good party with great people.
   This was my second week in Jamaica in less than 2 weeks. I spent my first week at a family resort with my son came home and left again for Hedo. Both times I had an extraordinary
long wait going through customs. What a pain in the ass. Well got to the lounge, found my bus and away we went. Met Marc and Marie and Fitz and Spin on the bus with a few other Hedo vets and 1
couple ( and you could smell the arrogance off them) going to the dildo.
Check in was great and many of my pals came up to meet and greet. Pete and Angie are always the first to get me. I love them two!! Off to my room where I meet more friends and (for those who know me) don't leave the room for about a half hour cause i start yapping.
Ok, finally get to the beach and it's a big love fest. The BCT slogan is " It doesn't suck being us" and it don't. The love and respect we have for each other is second to none and I think other people see it right off the bat and want to be part of this happy
family. There are surprise quests already in the house. Cheez, who was going to a bowling tournament decided he couldn't miss one of the planned events and had to come. Cheez is my big brother   or he is me on steroids. Haven't figured it out yet.
So Saturday is getting your feet wet day and just when you thought it was safe to go into the water, Renee shows up. It's in the air. who will show up next! Everyone thinks I know who is coming, but I do (dont) .
Sunday I had to run over to the office of nature. I planned a trip for Monday and about 60 people wanted to go. I went over to make sure they were going to be prepared for it. If you ever go to the office of nature with a large group,
be kind enough to give them a heads up so they have enough supplies to feed you.  They appreciate your business and it's a great way to see some of the real Jamaica and a great change of pace.
Monday ,



We took a few glass bottom boats over and supplied everyone with "the boat song" to sing and make a video. cool stuff. Everyone thought the beach was spectacular and the hospitality was great. Yummy lobster and jerk chicken.
Went back to Hedo after a few hours and the rest of the  day was a wash out from the rain. So we hung out with Paulette at the prude beach bar and an ipod. We sang and danced most of the afternoon. I even got Paulette to dance in between
Doug and I for Beyonces "put a ring on it"  You go girl!!
Tuesday, more people who said the weren't coming came. The tears of joy and screams of happiness just rang out all over Delroys. I am glad they made it cause Tuesday is Hein-licken party!!
You drink your beer, pull the labels off, lick the person next to you and stick the label on. It is also UPS delivery day.
Myself and Angie commandeered a a luggage wagon and got a lift down the beach to do our annual delivery. First the bartenders. Then we have a person of interest. This year it was Bonnie B. All year she was talking about wieners. Diva had mentioned that she would be an excellent person
of interest and needed a wiener delivery . Much to her surprise, we called out her name, hunted her down, made her sign for it and she got her wiener. But there was a more sneaky side to this delivery. Angie thought she was going to deliver a wiener filled with booze to her boyfriend. Little did she
know that her boyfriend had a surprise for her. The upsman switched the box. She gave her boyfriend the box, He acted like , hey what the f is this, and pulled out a little jewelry box, got down on his knee and in front of 200 of their friends, asked her
to marry him. It was beautiful and not a dry eye in the house!!!! Oh yea, she said yes!
Each night was special. We would gather round the piano bar, get a drink, and go back out side. We had more  fun on da patio. Yes some old motown or Bohemian Rhapsody or just twisting the night away. This is truly, were the possessed come to meet.
Patrons, beware, while walking into the bar, Tony might be giving you a panty check, severe penalties for man and woman alike for under garment wearing. Some Russian lady went psycho during a check and threatened to bite Tonys meat pickle off!  Her name
Ivana bitchurcokov , the name should have given it away. My self and Drew had the whitest asses on the resort and paid dearly for it. We had some slap happy beeaatches and my cheeks still hurt.
 I didn't go into the pool much. I swear it smelled like a toilet. There only two reasons I had to get in that pool.
1) Myself and Cheez had to go "cock blocking". Cock blocking you might be asking. Yes, it is an ancient ritual brought in from Ethiopia where two gentlemen do dance. Their hands take the form of crab claws, and they walk (crab-like)  across to the pool to save
woman from unwanted advances. The woman would yell out, " COCK_BLOCKER!! Myself and Cheez would crouch down, claws up, an crab-crawl over, circle the situation, claws high in the sky and then go between the two parties  yelling, cock-blocker, we are the cock-blockers.
The great thing about it is everyone wanted to be and was a cockblocker. (great job Doc!!)
2) During the BCT parade to Sandals, I guy named Chaz wanted out of there really bad. He saw us and knew where he belonged and wanted to be. Chaz joined the parade and we brought him home.
Slipped past the guard and over to the Nude side. He couldn't wait to get his cloths off and we escorted him into the pool. HE HAD A BLAST! Chaz was an instant celebrity. A few hours later his brother and father came looking for him because
he was part of his uncles wedding party. Priceless Hedo moments.
The rest of the week was supposed to be a wind down for some of us. So a few of the Buttcrackers thought it would be a great idea  to have a table and chair set up at the beach with an umbrella.
But we always do one better. With a great re-con team,we went over to the goat grill, sized up the situation (thanks Harry) and came up with a plan. Low and behold, during the parade, Marcel distracted the staff and away the table and umbrella went.
It wound up just off shore at the nude beach. What a great idea, having a place to eat and drink while you are shaded in the water.
I think from my report you can tell I had a great time and each and every person there was part of making this trip FANTASTIC.
A Big shout out to MOES MOJO and the TEASUMS!
Let's hope next year we can get the scrambled eggs back in the steam table!!
All the best

 MIkey