HEDONISM II December 5 15, 2001
Chris and Doug
Although Thanksgiving is our usual time at Hedo, we were unable to do so. And although we missed our pals who come then, we were treated to a whole new group of great folks.
This year, we arrived unannounced--we were trying to surprise our friends Jeff & Loretta who had done the same to us two years ago. Doug concocted a long poem on H-2 stationary (where does he get this stuff?) with clues that there was a surprise at the hotel for J & L. The original plan was to ask a staff member to deliver the letter to our friends on the beach.
Carefully watching the lobby as we exited our taxi, we make our way to the back offices where we hatch the plan with Delano Miller. We walk back out to the lobby and discuss strategy. Just then, Delano quietly mentions that Loretta is approaching the front desk. YIKES! Our backs were to her originally. Chris had just delivered Delanos copy of The Naked Truth About Hedonism II to him so he had it in hand. She says to Delano: Hey, my picture is on page blah-blah blah. We bow heads, put hands in front of faces, and scurry to the back offices while Delano runs interference. A few moments later, we peek outshes goneDoug goes back out and hands Delano the poem to deliver. But Loretta glanced backward and caught him, crying out Dooougggggg ?!?!?!? Doug flees to the back offices. Delano delivers the letter, Jeff reads it too, the surprise entrances is busted a little, but the party began, so who cares?
OK lets cut the crap and get to the details.
AIRPORT: The new Jimmy Buffetts Air Margaritaville restaurant is fully up and running. We passed it in the concourse on the way to immigration. Its near Gate 3. Beautiful and delicious. Great cheeseburgers and the coconut-friend shrimp are small but tasty. More on that later.
HOTEL ARRIVAL: Front desk staff better organized than ever. Room keys in 45 minutes. Typical lunch-and-return. No problems.
STAFF: Due to 9-11, many layoffs. It appeared about 33% off the staff are on leave right now. Rumors of the departure of many old-timers was incorrect. Teddy, Ray, Cleopatra, Paul (the bartender or mini-mon as one guest called him), Jazzbo, and Fox are all still working although twice as hard. Delete still runs the tour desk, but Tamika and Connie are definitely not working there anymore, says Delete.
Smiles were easy but not as enthusiastic as in the past. These are tough times for the H-2 crew. Many staffers seemed relieved that their old friends had survived the Sept. 11th disaster and were once again home. Almost everyone on the staff expressed condolence for the USA. Remember, the staff doesnt know where we live and were hoping theyd see us safely again.
Delroy & Scumba exhibited exceptional pleasure all week, and did Michelle Dove, Anna Grant, and Marcia Vergo. Agustus and Jazzbo are working harder than ever in keeping the beach as spotless as possible. Augustos has expanded his act into one-liners now with get the Hell off MY beach and hey -no butts (cigs) on my beach. Hes quite the aspiring comic. Indiana has been laid-off from the grill for an unknown period. Her American admirer, Carl, got to see her every night and says shes well. Robert has platted braids in his hair now (like Alan Iverson). He looks pretty cool. Charlie Murray still makes his awesome omellettes and Denva Facey still serves as the maitre d supreme at Pastafari. King Arthur is still bartending nightly as is Matta, who seems to be the top dawg bartender at Veronicas. Veronicas departure was not discussed much. The coordinators were in good spirits with Seksi, Chubby, Razor, and Lucky and others keeping the energy levels up as best as possible.
In general, everyone seems to be doing the work of three people with long hours. Dining room servers at breakfast sometimes became a bartender by day and a server/bartender by night. The coordinators have been pressed into service as bartenders as have other staff members, even a few beach workers. The ECs seem to love being able to bartend. New faces were behind the bars almost every day at some point.
FACILITIES: Whoa here we go. The updates provided by the hotel have been less-than-accurate. True, work goes on into the late night. All the noise-making stuff curtails at dusk (jackhammers). Quiet installation of new kitchen equipment, brick masons, and painters went on almost non-stop. We saw several stucco guys working as late as 11 p.m.
The photos submitted previously didnt provide a real feel of whats been going on. You have to see the huge scope of this project. One thing was agreed upon by all: When this thing is finished--it will be incredibly beautiful. Hedo will look brand new (at least on the prude side).
Almost all of the plywood hoardings (barrier walls) were down when we left on Saturday, Dec. 15.
LOBBY: Cyber Caf is up and running. 2 PCs in the old phone room. Cost is $3 US for 20 minutes of Internet access. Time is billed in 20-minute blocks so if you stay on for 22 minutes, its $6. A deposit, just like for outgoing phone calls, is required at the front desk before using the computers.
DINING ROOM: Same old place. The biggest change has been the replacement of the dance floor and first two tiers of table-area flooring with a polished plywood underlayment, hopefully in preparation of a more permanent tile or other surface. Its ugly but functional.
MUNAHANA: The walls are down and its gonna be a beauty. Munahana will be an open-air restaurant that extends off the main dining room on the piano bar side. The roof was extended from the main dining room to provide shelter against the rain. No separation wall runs between the dining room and Munahana. Those seated in the dining room will have to drool over the aromas wafting about 10 feet away. Six Benihana-style cooking tables seat 8-10 people on benches at each in an open C pattern with the chef in the center. The ceiling, tables, and trim are notched-cedar in appearance. A large exhaust hood is over each grill surface, also trimmed in cedar. Theres a tile floor and the tables are tiled top and sides. There still remains a 15-foot natural green area between Munahana and the piano bar for a sidewalk that leads back to the
MINIATURE GOLF COURSE: Yep, its mini-golf--6 or 8 poured concrete holes behind Veronicas. Denny has photos. You can watch the action from the piano bar. Doug has already planned different hole-in-one strategies and photo ops for this. Poor Chris! Its still just raw concrete right now and thankfully, not a high priority.
BOUTIQUE, SHOPS; ETC: Sluts-R-Us comes to Hedo!! The Logo Shop is now the erotic-wear boutique. Theres a huge selection of sexy fashions for males and females. Theres lubes, condoms, and other goodies as well. Until recently, there was also a large display of sex toys including some impressive dildos and vibrators. SuperClubs (John Issa himself, according to SC VP Errol Holmes) put a halt to the public display about two weeks ago (deemed too outrageous for the religious island). The toys have been moved to a back room where you can shop to your hearts content, just not out in the shop. Seemed there were lots of shoppers back there.
DUTY FREE: same old thing.
TV ROOM: Same old place. Too bad people (and staff) were in there almost every night actually watching TV. Put a damper on Dougs usual annual cable installation with Chris. What was on when Doug went in? Temptation Island, of course!
PIANO BAR: Same old place. The karaoke machine has been broken for weeks and Dave has been playing seven days a week recently. The slot machines are just inside the entrance door and hardly seemed used or an annoyance. Staffing was down and some nights drinks were hard to acquire with only one bartender at times. The old game room is there and the old slots room is a quiet room for sitting again. Smoke still remains a problem and condensation from the AC dripped on the floor at the piano. Popcorn is still available. The sign remains Veronicas although many starting calling it Daves.
No new songbooks but Dave was creating some new songs and played some originals from his debut CD called The Peanis. See him for a copy. He records Piece by Piece, Hedonismville, and other bar classics. The piano bar especially was hopping on nights of the dreaded art auction as people fled to avoid it.
OLD GYM: Still open as usual read on.
NEW GYM/SPA CENTER: A totally separate building has been constructed. It starts with the old massage room is much taller than the old block building which houses the gym/pool-ping pong now. The building extends up, then down the walkway almost to the tennis courts. Its huge. The old windows from the gym are filled with glass and make up the back wall of the new building. The large front windows face the prude beach for a panoramic view. If you exit the dining room by the site map walkway youll see a large bowed-out sidewalk that surrounds the new building. Below that, outside, are three concrete pool tables with a step-down access. The exterior was almost done when we left.
The sidewalk is under roof. We couldnt get inside but again, its gonna be gorgeous.
NEW PRUDE COMPLEX: Wow where do we start?! Most noticeable additions are the new disco jacuzzi. If you stand at the end of the main bar and look straight out toward the beach, youll see a large platform rising from the pool with a 8- to 10-step walk-up to a large observation deck. There sits the jacuzzi. About as small as the old prude jacuzzi (still working) it may seat 6-8 people maximum. Size might have been an engineering concern (weight?). Too bad. Lots of room for chaise lounges though. Not open yet no water inside.
The water tube slide tower is immediately to the right where the old Scotch Bonnett was. Its about a two-story high treehouse with an interior staircase that winds to the top of the beige slide tube. The last sections of the tube slide were being installed when we left. Joseph Smith the general manager says some slide pieces are missing in transit and must be reordered to complete it. The slide terminates into a plunge pool near the old main disco entrance. The slide goes out slightly over the terrace eating area and winds toward the old shuffleboard courts and back toward the disco. A bridge goes from the slidetower about 50 feet toward the prude beach to another tower with another staircase that leads to the new pool complex. Should be great for photo ops.
Theres a large swimming pool with a round, tiled jacuzzi in the center of it. Another concrete pool stable is in the pool. Lets see if any pool gets played on it. The new prude bar sits on the pool deck in the center directly in line with the back of the disco. Small gazebo-style huts (about 4) surround the pool for shade or changing benches. Pools were operational but not open although some folks crossed the caution tape and were swimming in it late-night.
The prude grill will remain unchanged. Just slightly up the hill next to the prude grill is the rock climbing wall. Its a huge black tower which many called The Vertical Turd.
Its finished but not open.
Looking toward the disco from the treehouse bar is a new concrete paver brick walkway on your right. Its quite nice. The oval ice rink is adjacent to the disco. It will be a plastic ice surface. Concrete pad is only thing built there.
The volleyball court is now between the treehouse bar and the ocean on the prude beach.
The official status of the treehouse bar is unknown once the new bar opens. One rumor is that it would become a sheltered hammock-hut with only the old roof remaining.
DISCO: New glass installed in large windows (except into old prude pool windows). New ceramic tile floors throughoutwhich is tough on dancing feet. Too bad they didnt use wood again. No expansion of dance/bar area. Ceiling in dance area not exposed for jacuzzi yet. Disco is open again. Same old furniture there.
Further landscaping being done between disco and nude side. Incomplete but should look great.
MTV VIDEO WALL No construction.
And now for the rest of the story.
THE PEOPLE: We arrived on Dec. 5 with less than half occupancy. Things were quiet but happy save the occasional jackhammers and reverse alarms of the dump trucks and backhoes. This quiet gave us a much-needed chance to chill before the WWW gang arrived on Saturday. On our arrival day, the hotel was hosting the monthly Godfathers meeting. The GMs of all the properties in SuperClubs convene at one of the properties for a corporate meeting. We saw Kevin Levee, Cheddy Parchment, Gary Williams, and other executives including Joey Issa, VP of SC. Despite Chris lawsuit from SC in 1998 over TNTAH2, one top brass actually requested a copy of her book--much to Chris surprise.
The WWW bunch arrived over the next few days and the placed filled up again with guests, but sadly, without enough staff to handle it their arrival.
The next 8 days were spent meeting new friends from the WWW and hanging with old chums. This WWW group is great. No cliques, just genuinely nice folks. Chris and Denny finally got to meet in person. Hugs all around. Doug was only referred to as Mr. Santilli around a dozen times. Chris repeatedly had to remind everyone that shes drunk and stupid.
And now, the not-so-good side of our home-away-from-home. Remember, opinions are like buttholes. Everyone has one and theyre all different. Heres ours.
FOOD: Poorest selection and quality in years. Preparation was rushed. Food was spread out over the buffet to fill empty areas to hide the lack of variety. Dont remember if the cute ice sculptures and fruit sculptures were around as in the past because we only ate maybe 6 lunches and dinners in the main dining room over 10 days because of the quality.
BREAKFAST: Many mornings the scrambled eggs were so runny they fell through the fork like oatmeal. Runny eggs? Bacon? Yuk grossly undercooked some mornings. Potatoes, which are normally great, were either dried-out wedges or McDonalds style hash brown patties flavored with cardboard. Callaloo was good consistently. Fruit selections were slim. Pineapple, cantaloupe, honeydew, watermelon, bananas and occasionally the good grapefruit. Saw papaya once. Waffles and french toast were good.
LUNCH: Huge disapointment. Always some type of stringy pork/chicken/jerk/fricasse.
Salads choices were down tooand often the same every day. Half the offerings of previous trips. Many uses of cucumber/cole slaw. Soups hit or miss. And Chris, who never seasons her food, had to add tons of pepper to every soup to give it any flavor. Most diners agreed the fish was consistently good.
Desserts highlight of the meals. Caramel custard pie was fabulous. They did run the hot pasta skillet station one day, which was good.
DINNER: Head to Pastafari instead. Poor meat selections and lots of vegetable/rice dishes. Rice was at almost every meal. Lots of pasta offerings too with a red or white sauce. Dinner highlight: Stuffed shells in pesto sauce. Still, no lobster on any night.
PASTAFARI: Good to very good. Antipasto bar offered mussels and marinated mushrooms and some weird looking salady/meaty things. Highlights were beef tenderloin and a scrumptious veal in a brandy cream sauce. Service was faster than in previous trips. The champagne is still BrutMaster (or Butt Meister, as Chris called it) and is pretty lousy but we sucked up a lot of it. Even the wait staff thought it tasted awful.
RANDOM STUFF: Not so good here either.
Several days the nude bar ran out of booze. And this was at 1 p.m. Top-shelf was replaced with the worst swill this side of a weed trimmer. One group of protesters marched to the prude side to demand better booze and got it! Even Veronicas bar didnt carry Tanqueray any morebut we were told it was at the main dining room bar.
On one afternoon all whiskey was gone.
Consistent shortages of working soda guns/mixers. Had to resort to cased mixers on several occasions and still ran out. Soda dispensers were often broken at the jacuzzi/massage shack.
Cups. Of all things, cups became the towels of 2001. There were several shortages of clean cups everywhere. Doug went with Anna to the dining room and carried down a 3-rack supply along with bananas. Our pal Louie from Jersey, or as he became known Lou-Roy, worked the beach daily collecting cups for washing, washing cups and running errands for the staff. He even helped out restocking beer and ice bins. Heres to you Louie a true Hedo Hero !! This man deserves a free WEEK !!!
Towels. Hold on to your hats for this one. Towels were everywhere!!! No shortage all week. The bins were kept full almost always. As an FYI the clean towels at the nude hot tub are stored in the soda dispenser closet as well as the towel podium. It overflowed every morning. Towels are now marked with H-II on them in marker pen. (Oh baby, monogramed towels!) We guessed that since laundry is done at Grand Dildo, they were hoarding our stuff and H-2 took action to get us our fair share.
Bugs. The dreaded Genital Gnats invaded the nude side every day that didnt have a breeze. Several rooms had ant/roach problems. We had an ant infestation that was handled by the maintenance department in short order. One friend reported the sound of a gasoline-fired fogger outside her window at 6 a.m. followed by the stench of pesticides that sent her under the covers.
Pool. Fairly clean. Breaker went out on cold jacuzzi for several hours one afternoon. Hot tub temps fluctuated nightly. Nude bathrooms. Still filthy, although Doug did reinstall the number 2302 on the Mens Room door.
Floats & chair pads. Plenty. The WWW gang were mostly pool folks, so seating on the beach everywhere was easy to find at any time of day.
Delroys Museum: All the old stickers/decals had been removed earlier this year but were making a comeback. The one end of the bar features the license plate collection in one nice grouping. Several US flag decals were seen as well as FDNY/NYPD mementos. An increasing number of police/fire shoulder patches are being added to the ceiling. A large promotional synthetic paper banner hangs from the rafters which reads Welcome to Delroys Home of the Coldest beer on 7 mile beach RED STRIPE ! Dougs attempts to remove the C from the sign were unsuccessful.
Always the prankster, Doug modified the NUDE BEACH sign to read NUDE BEACH - ONLY PORNOGRAPHY. He was also responsible for inspirational messages on the lunch chalkboard every few days. When we arrived on Dec. 5, the last updated to the lunch menu board was dated Nov. 23. His changes included:
Hedo Forecast Mostly sunny with scattered ganja clouds, chance of intoxication near 100% - Toga-storms tonight!
Find Osama !! Win 7 free nights or 7,000,000 Hedo-bucks
Tim Air on braille flight rules today Good Luck to all !
He did make a rather sacrilegious message about a Bible Study at the hot tub, which thankfully wasnt seen by the minister who came down to administrate a vow renewal ceremony.
Our thanks to everyone--new friends and old--who made our trip so much fun!
Doug & Chris
