Dates: June 20-26  

This was our first trip to Hedo II, so thanks to Denny, Chris Santilli, and all our Internet buddies for preparing us with loads of information. Also, got lots of good tips from the message board so that when we hit Hedo II, we were ready to play.  

We arrived in Jamaica early in the day and flew TimAir to Negril. Now, I personally think the pilots have a point system and they tally their score at the end of the day to see who can get passengers to do the most nastiest stuff (i.e., woman naked – 1 point, man naked – 0 points, woman giving man a blow job – 5 points, woman having sex with man – 10 points, woman giving pilot a blow job – 20 points).  

Our pilot was quite insistent on our having a “party in the plane,” once he found out we were Hedo bound. Kevin and I obliged, though positioning was definitely a challenge in the confined space (work experience as a contortionist helps here). Our ever-helpful pilot definitely wanted to participate and said the autopilot worked just fine (visions of the movie “Airplane” rolled into my mind with the stewardess blowing up the autopilot). My nerves aren’t the best in a small plane under ideal circumstances, but my preference is for the pilot to actually be flying the plane. He was a bit disappointed when he realized his pole wasn’t going to get waxed, but we landed safely in Negril nonetheless. And that was our intro to Hedo.  

We had worried about bumping, but check-in was quick and smooth (maybe flying all night and arriving first thing in the morning has its advantages), and we had a room on the nude side, ocean view, which was just great. We met a whole bunch of people, mostly those we had talked with on line, as well as quick friendships formed on the spot.  Within 5 minutes on the beach, we were asked if we were swingers (not yet), if we wanted some ganja (no thanks, alcohol is our drug of choice), or if we wanted to participate in a nude mate contest (absolutely).  

We quickly grabbed the first of many drinks and settled onto a float to catch a nap, watch all the slap and tickle going on, and work on getting into the Hedo frame of mind (took, oh, maybe, a nanosecond). From there on, we had a fabulous week, and I’ll list some highlights and lowlights below. By the way, thanks to the wonderful group of friends who made our stay extra-special!!  

Weather – perfect!!!  

Food – The best is at the nude grill (grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches, fries, jerk chicken, fish). Unpredictable at Pastafaris (one night great, another so-so) Downright nasty at the buffet. Oh well, we didn’t come for the food but they could do much better.  

Drinks – plentiful, strong, and made to order, who could ask for more.  

Activities – Kevin and I actually felt we had to get up and do something once in a while or the guilt over too much lying around would set in, so we checked out some of the resorts “other” recreational activities. The snorkel boat was great fun, not the best snorkeling, but enough critters to make it worth your while. We took out a sailboat one day and had fun sailing in the bay. We took a sea kayak out another day, paddled over to the picnic island and played. We did the catamaran to Parrot Cave? Cove? Island?, can’t remember, the place with the swing (way fun, great way to flush the sinuses), cliff diving (not on your life), and the slide (which was, sadly, closed). My great achievement was swimming from the catamaran to shore while holding a full cup of Red Stripe (didn’t want to get dehydrated) without spilling a drop.  

We did the highlights of Negril tour, pretty good if you have to bring back bribery gifts for your kids (maybe they’ll let us go again next year).  

One highlight happened while we were shopping at the Jamaican craft marketplace. When we pulled up, we felt like chum being fed to the sharks as this guy asked us what we needed. My husband said what we really wanted was a Jamaican jersey from the national soccer team. The guy said we wouldn’t find it here, so we went off just to check out the crafts. Five minutes later the guy races up in his car and jumps out holding two jerseys. I don’t know where or how he got them so fast, but we were very impressed with his initiative and didn’t even haggle over price. Our kid loves that jersey! Other than that, the shopping here was terrible. The people are very poor and were in our face every which way we turned, demanding we check out their store, yelling at us, calling us liars, and other names. Our simple and repeated “no thanks” were dismissed, and we were very uncomfortable. If you must shop, go to the first booth you like, offer half price, buy everything you need, then get the hell out of there. 

I also was one of the few people (only?) to take Hedo up on its offer of a trapeze clinic. Seems the sobriety requirement turns most people off. But once I saw circus master Vladimir, I knew trapeze lessons were in my future. What a blast! I highly recommend it. Do it if you get sober enough, but be prepared for some sore muscles, which, if you whine enough, many people will massage for you.

 

People – many, many wonderful couples of all ages. A lot of single guys (I do mean a lot), in addition to the vinnies (not too many), wallys (not too many) and stellas (after “How Stella Got Her Grove Back”, young American black guys looking to score with married women). We had a couple of particularly obnoxious singles, though they made for good conversation topics. The worst was a guy we dubbed Latka (looked just like Andy Kaufman in the TV show Taxi). Pat, the enforcer in our group, had to ask Latka several times a day to bugger off. He would worm in, try to sneak photos of the ladies engaged in innocent activities, and was otherwise just plain creepy. Would never talk with anyone, would just watch and leer. I think Hedo is actually paradise for voyeurs, as we experienced that quite a bit. But they always left when asked, and we never had any real problems.  

Note to Single Guys – You can have fun, but be aware that there are many, many of you down there. Some fit in, most seemed to spend the week on the make with little success. I strongly suggest BYOW (bring your own woman)! Unless, of course, your turn-on is just watching and actual physical contact with another human being is not required for your particular sexual appetite. If that is the case, just be discreet and you’ll be able to peep without risk of being arrested. To each his own.  

Music – Delroys was great, love that pussy song. Veronicas – great fun for one or two nights, after that, a bit repetitive, though Big Bamboo was a hoot. Maybe we should take up a collection to buy some new songbooks for Dave (music written within my lifetime), to complement the old songbooks. We love to dance and were mostly disappointed in the disco. The music pretty much sucked with monotony and repetition (thump-thump-thump music, as we came to call it). We need better music in there! Although, each night, there was about a 20-minute dance set featuring Ricki Martin, Santana, Marc Anthony, and Lou Bega. More Latin beat or reggae beat would have been welcome. Decibel-wise, I’m pretty sure the disco was off the charts. One night was so loud, we had to dance outside. The best music all week was a reggae band playing at Rick’s Caf. Hot, Hot, Hot!!!  

Special nights – Toga was about the only one we did, (slept through PJ night) and they really need to work on restructuring this. Boring!! Everybody is dressed up and ready to party and we mostly sat around watching lame acts. What they should do is bring in a reggae band and just have a dance party. House bands seem to play to the lowest common denominator.  

Water facilities – Delroys bar and pool a hit, hot tub wild some nights and tame others. The ocean water was warm and wonderful. First day there, they were cleaning the green guck out, which makes for a much nicer beach.  

Sex – Try to have sex everywhere. The grotto is fun, as is the float out on open water (especially after midnight when you are silhouetted against the moon and you don’t mind others watching), not the beach (too much gritty in the nitty), on the grounds, in your room, in someone else’s room… The sexual atmosphere is wonderful and even old married couples are doing it all the time!! Great break from sneaking into the master bedroom closet for a quickie while the kids watch Pokeman.  

Do’s and don’ts:  

Don’t go barefoot in the sea—I backed into a sea urchin, fortunately just grazing it and only getting a few spines, but that was enough to make me keep on my dorky water shoes.  

Do inventory each time you move to a new location – Sunglasses? Check. Drink? Check. Cover-up? Check. Hat? Check. Mate? Check. We misplaced several items but somehow they always found their way back to us.  

Don’t get completely fall-down drunk the first day, or any other day. You’ll lose a full day to a hangover, feel like crap, and maybe even forget all the fun you had while you were so drunk. We saw many, many people make this mistake. Don’t do it!! Trust me, they will continue to serve alcohol all week so pace yourself.  

Do bring anti-bacterial soap. It just makes you feel cleaner once out of the sea/hot tub/pool. A number of people came down with interesting though mild rashes, which we managed to avoid.  Do bring a well-stocked pharmacy. You will likely not need anything, but just in case I’d hate to waste a day at the clinic. I even had my doctor prescribe antibiotics in case of a bladder infection and medication in case of a yeast infection. You just never know!  Do bring fun toys. In addition to the sex toys, we brought squirt guns, silly wind-ups, and a few romantic things like candles to light in the room and by the hot tub, and incense.  

Do bring slutwear. We had an absolute blast wearing things at Hedo we couldn’t wear anywhere else. Slut clothes are fun! The nights are hot and sexy and the dressing provocative.  

Do let everybody know it’s your birthday! I got the once in a lifetime opportunity to strip on the piano at Dave’s bar and have everybody sing happy birthday to me while I was in my birthday suit. Somehow, this is no big deal when you realize that everyone has already seen you naked. But it did fulfill a lifelong dream of being a stripper just once. Of course, when all you’ve got on is a skimpy dress and nothing else, it doesn’t take long to strip, but I did my best.  

Do practice your dance moves before heading to Hedo – you’ll need them in the shower. (Hot, hot, hot!!! Cold, cold, cold!!! Hot, hot, hot!!! Cold, cold, cold!!!)  

Don’t flush the toilet while your mate is in the shower. This is very, very bad and can result in first degree burns and one pissed off mate.  

 (Notice there are a lot more do’s than don’ts in this list. My kind of place!)  

Above all, do have fun!!! Hedo is a great time. Find your groove and enjoy your stay.

 

Cheers and Beers, Carol and Kevin