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Richard & SophieSophie and I needed a vacation. Juggling school holidays and work schedules, the only time we could get away was right after Christmas. We booked our trip in September through the very resourceful Donna Smith, of All- Inclusive Vacations in Richmond, Virginia. This was late in the year to arrange a trip that would include New Year's Eve, so our choices were limited. In St. Martin we found accommodations available, but all the flights were booked. We could get to Guadeloupe, but if we did, there was no place to sleep. There were openings at Cat Island in the Bahamas, but to get there we would have to change planes twice, and the last leg was in one of those little balsa wood airplanes that make my devoted wife so nervous. Through Donna's persistent, diligent efforts, however, we booked a trip to Hedonism II in Negril, Jamaica.
Before the trip, we connected on line with several other couples scheduled to be at Hedonism while we were there. We chatted with Jack and Maureen, Don and Libby, Rich and Julie, and Hank and Maurie. We found these people on Denny's web site (http://www.tconl.com/~dennyp/) and added our own e-mail address in case anyone chose to contact us.
We have been on nude beaches before, but until this trip, we had never stayed at a resort that catered largely to nudists. I told my coworkers simply that we were going to Jamaica. If pressed as to what part of the island, I replied "Negril." If asked to be still more specific, only then did I say we were headed for Hedonism II. Some people got through the three layers of interrogatory, but most did not.
The day after Christmas, we drove from Virginia to Connecticut. After spending a couple of days with parents and in-laws, early in the morning of December 28 we left the urchins with their grandparents and set off for New York's Kennedy Airport. The air travel arrangements were complex. Our flights were booked through Air Jamaica, but that airline had sold every seat on all its planes, so we were on a chartered Miami Air jet. Air Jamaica has no terminal at JFK, so Donna had instructed us to go to the Al Italia counter. We have not traveled extensively, so when we do, it is our custom to arrive early and be prepared. We checked to ensure that all required documents were in hand, then presented our vouchers to the clerk. She was to have had the actual tickets for us, but alas, they had not arrived from Jamaica, and the local person responsible for such things was conveniently not at the airport. In the short version of this tale, eventually we (and several dozen others) were allowed to board the flight without airline tickets. "Don't worry. Your return tickets will be waiting for you when you arrive at Montego Bay." Ha!
At Montego Bay we got through the bureaucratic rigmarole uneventfully, then found the Air Jamaica Vacations representative, who did not have our return tickets. "Don't worry. We will send them to your resort by Tuesday at the latest." Ha!
We found the SuperClubs counter, where our driver introduced himself. The bus ride was exciting. Considering the lack of aerodynamics on your average Caribbean island bus, it was quite astonishing to hear the thunderclap indicating we had exceeded Mach 1. The sonic transition did not seem to engage the driver to a great degree, which is probably a good thing considering that he was busy steering around goats, smiling pedestrians and potholes the size of modest meteor impact craters on the winding and surprisingly crowded narrow coastal road. Passing slower vehicles at high speed in such an environment was truly invigorating, especially in the face of oncoming 18 wheelers. Oh, and by the way, Jamaica used to be part of the British Empire, and they drive on the left side of the road. Evidently the driver was a former New York City cabby, having lost that position because he was not rude and spoke understandable English, either offense of which could get a taxi driver fired back when I worked in Manhattan. To pacify passengers who lacked the intestinal fortitude to deal with such a thrilling ride (approximately 100% of the passengers fit into this category, and remember - these people were on their way to Hedonism II) we stopped along the way for a little Red Stripe refreshment.
After about 90 minutes we emerged from the bus with knocking, shaky knees. I helped Sophie down the steps and we wobbled into the lobby to register. The lobby was as chaotic as any I have ever seen, but nevertheless the friendly employees at the registration desk processed us with reasonable efficiency. In a few minutes we were in our room overlooking the nude beach. The time was 4:20 in the afternoon. We were tired from the day's travels, but happy to be there. We put on bathing suits (for the only time during our stay - we were not sure about the rules for walking around the grounds) and walked out to the footpath leading to the nude beach.
We explored the beach and grounds for about an hour, then attended the orientation meeting and tour. This took another hour, and was not incredibly enlightening. I don't think we would have missed anything crucial if we had skipped it. We returned to the room after dinner, and while I fumbled for the key, we heard voices coming from the direction of the nude hot tub. We got undressed, then Sophie grabbed me by a convenient appendage and pulled me off to the hot tub. Four or five other couples were there, and we chatted amicably for a while before packing it in for the night at 11:00. It had been a long day.
Monday After breakfast, Sophie and I stood reading the daily activity board in the restaurant, next to another couple. We exchanged pleasantries, talked for a few minutes, and discovered that we had run into Don and Libby. A little later we encountered Jack and Maureen.
We spent a sunny morning on the beach and at the pool, with our four new friends. We met Delroy and Scumba, world-renowned Hedonism II bartenders, who cheerfully mixed us anything we desired to drink. Maureen introduced us to a drink called "purple rain." This tastes a little like a strawberry daiquiri, but with a subtle difference, and of course, it is shockingly purple, sort of like grape Kool-Aid.
At about 1:00 the sun disappeared behind roiling grey clouds. It sprinkled, rained, then poured. The storm ended in about an hour, then the sun came out again. Both transformations were sudden.
The activity schedule indicated "Happy Hour" on the nude beach at 4:00. We were there at the time, but didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. As a practical matter, people we saw on the nude beach were always "happy."
Later in the afternoon we returned to the hot tub. While we were relaxing there, a newly married couple came by to have pictures taken. The well- dressed bride and groom got undressed one item at a time, with pictures taken each time a garment fell to the ground. After a few minutes, the completely naked blushing bride asked for volunteers from the hot tub who would like to be included in a few nude wedding pictures. There were no takers for this privilege, and the honeymooners stepped into the hot tub and got very cozy.
Although we had read that at Hedonism II a wedding could be performed at no extra charge (talk about all-inclusive!) we had thought that was mostly hype. While we were there, however, at least four weddings took place.
At dinner we encountered Hank. As he had said in his e-mail messages, he always . . . I mean ALWAYS, wore a UConn Huskies hat. I never saw him without it, and I would wager that he sleeps in it.
Later we returned to the hot tub with Jack and Maureen. It started to rain at about 11:30, but it was a warm rain, and we just sat there and enjoyed it.
Tuesday It was cool and still raining when we woke up. We decided to use the exercise machines after breakfast. The gym was well equipped, but the equipment was not the most modern stuff I have ever used. Even so, Sophie and I spent some time on the Life Cycle and treadmill. At our age, we need to work at keeping our youthful figures.
It was too cold for the beach or pool, and the hot tub was packed, so we took a cab to Negril for the T-shirt/souvenir thing. The prices in town are lower than those at the resort, but there were no bargains in either place. When we returned, the wet stuff was still falling, so we shopped the stores at the resort, too.
Late in the afternoon we checked at the front desk for our return airline tickets. They had not arrived, so we asked to speak with the SuperClubs representative, who connected us with Air Jamaica Vacations on the telephone. Naturally, nobody there knew anything about our ticket problem. It took some time to explain, but finally I made the person understand. "Oh! I see that we have about 30 tickets, and yours is among them, sir. Please don't worry. Enjoy your vacation. All these tickets will be delivered on Friday" Ha!
Tuesday night was the pajama party. Sophie wore her silky purple nighty, and I, well . . . maybe I shouldn't say. If you really feel a desperate need to know, send me an e-mail message and I'll tell you . . . maybe. Maurie won an interesting award called "First in Bondage." The PJ party was fun, but the music was so loud we couldn't think, much less converse, so after a little while we headed for the hot tub. There we met Rich and Julie. They had arrived earlier that evening. Due to some truly awful weather back in the US, their departure airport had been snowed in. They got up in the middle of the night, dug their car out, then drove several hundred miles to reach their connecting flight. So there they were, in the hot tub at 2:00 AM (in the rain, of course) tired but apparently happy. Their day had begun 24 hours earlier, shoveling snow in the mountains.
Wednesday (New Year's Eve) We woke to bright sunshine! On the beach in the morning, Hank told us that because Tuesday had been such a lousy day, the resort was giving vouchers for a free day to any guest who asked. In the early afternoon we signed up for that "Sunshine Guarantee" deal. After lunch, as we strolled back down to the beach, the skies opened up, and it rained all afternoon. My thoughts turned to gathering animals and building an ark, and I started to measure off cubits in the sand. Sophie suggested that if it rained one more day, we all go to someone's room and play "get dressed poker."
That afternoon we returned to the exercise room, and to our surprise there were no waiting lines to use the equipment there. After working out, I spent $50 for the best massage I've had in many years.
Sophie and I have never really been party animals. Even when we were young college students, toward the end of the Spanish-American War, our friends would stay up late while we conked out. Hedonism II is a wild and crazy place. Some advertisements say "It's not a place to catch up on your reading." I can attest to the accuracy of that statement. And we were there for New Year's Eve. For the first time in perhaps a decade, we stayed up to ring in the new year.
The New Year's Eve party was fabulous. The food was great, the music was excellent, and the company was better. We all had several rounds of B-52s, and in a modestly inebriated state (my first such condition in many years) we somehow stumbled over to the hot tub.
An observant reader (OK, a conscious reader) will notice that Sophie and I ended every day with a visit to the hot tub. Often at least one couple felt compelled to do a little groping or other expressive behavior, right then and there, rather than waiting for the privacy of their room. Ordinarily this was subtle and could be easily ignored by those of us for whom it was just a little too public. Apparently, however, even this modest level of restraint was too much to expect on New Year's Eve. We decided to call it a night when it got to the point where we couldn't be spared such a display in any direction, but I, um, had to wait a few minutes before I could with dignity stand up and get out of the water.
Thursday We woke up fairly early, and I was totally headache free. This was a nice surprise, as I have a fairly low tolerance for alcohol. Before breakfast I went out to the nude hot tub, pool and beach to take pictures. For obvious reasons cameras are not officially permitted in those areas, but this early in the day, the only people there were workers carefully treating the hot tub with spermicide.
Thursday night was Toga Night. During the day, resort employees placed two extra sheets in every room. Somehow we missed the scheduled 1:30 toga instruction, so before heading out to the restaurant we spent some time experimenting. The official rules call for wearing a sheet and nothing else. No underwear, pins, duct tape, etc. Sophie and I are not large people, yet it was difficult to get complete coverage. She found a workable wrap around solution, which looked very cute on her. Finally I managed by placing the sheet over my right shoulder, wrapping the rest around me once. I felt like a necktie tied in a Windsor knot. This method was OK once it was done, but it was hard to keep the sheet in place when I moved around.
Although the stated rule was "No sheet, no eat," they didn't actually withhold food from those few people not wearing togas. We had a great time, and it will suffice to say that a couple of hours into Toga Night, some had given up on the complicated task of keeping their togas in place. After a while certain sections of the restaurant seemed eerily similar to the nude beach and hot tub.
Speaking of which, we got to the hot tub at around midnight for a relaxing soak. The sky was clear and it was easy to pick out constellations. Our group sat with all 16 feet on a float, singing "You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out . . ." in a variety of voice impersonations. I remember someone doing a great Bob Dylan. My attempt at singing as Marlon Brando in the Godfather, however, netted several threats to drown me.
Despite the official camera prohibition described earlier, guests occasionally did take photos in the nude areas. In every case I witnessed, this was with the express permission of the subjects. We wanted a picture of our group together, so that evening someone gave a camera to the guard. He kindly did this for us, first letting others know, so that they would be sure to stay out of range.
Friday Jack and Maureen left today. Although we'd been with them for less than a week, it felt like a parting of good friends. We said our goodbyes, and hope to see them again, at Hedonism II or elsewhere.
The trapeze event was this afternoon. They (no kidding) set up full size trapeze equipment on the prude beach. Several guests participated, after having trained for several days, I know not where. This looked like great fun, and next visit I plan to do this. Perhaps I should make sure my will is up to date first, but even so . . .
Before dinner we returned to the front desk to see if our tickets had arrived. Imagine our surprise when nobody seemed to know what we were talking about. We hunted down the person who had helped us before, and she once again connected us with the Air Jamaica Vacations representative at Montego Bay. "Sir, those tickets were delivered late this morning. They must be at the front desk. You ARE at the front desk? Just a moment . . . I have a message from the person who delivered them. They should be there." You might surmise that I had listened to enough of this. I made it clear that the tickets were definitely NOT at the resort, and that they had better be there tomorrow, since that was our last full day there. Eventually he discovered that the tickets had been delivered to the wrong resort, exactly which one was not clear. The Air Jamaica Vacations rep assured me that he would find out what had happened, and that the tickets would be delivered Saturday. I told him that considering as we were scheduled to leave on Sunday, he had better make sure. Hmmm.
We had dinner at Pastafari's, the Italian restaurant. The menu was great, and it was nice to sit back and be waited on. If we had eaten there earlier in our stay, no doubt we would have come back a second time.
Saturday The airline return tickets arrived in the morning!
Hank and Maurie left for home, which is close to where Sophie and I used to live. They were very friendly, and having visited Hedonism II so many times, they were a useful font of wisdom throughout our stay. They returned to Montego Bay via Tim Air. This involves a single-engine airplane taking off from a landing strip just minutes from Hedonism II. It is much faster than the bus, of course, thereby allowing guests to stay at the resort several hours later than if they returned by bus. Of course, it's an open question of what's safer: 90 minutes in one of those supersonic buses, 15 minutes in one of these little airplanes, or for that matter, going over Niagra Falls in a barrel.
Sunday We spent the morning on the beach then said our goodbyes to Rich, Julie, Don and Libby. They are nice people and we hope to see them again. Checking out was a snap . . . we just handed over the keys. Then we sat around until the rocket-powered bus came to take us to Montego Bay and the trip back to the US.
Conclusions We met a group of nice people at Hedonism II. Almost without exception, everyone we encountered was pleasant and friendly. For those who might be apprehensive about such matters, people on a nude beach are old, young, fat, skinny, and at both ends of the scale of subjective beauty. It may sound counterintuitive, but physical appearance is probably less of an issue then it is on your average public beach. There were some "textile impaired" gawkers (often referred to as "Vinnies," for reasons unknown), but frankly not as many as I had expected.
Although it rained every day we were in Jamaica, there was at least some sunshine every day except Tuesday. According to Hank, who has vacationed at Hedonism II on countless occasions and at all different times of the year, our weather was quite unusual. This was the first time in his experience that the resort had to pony up on its Sunshine Guarantee.
When the sun did come out it was very strong. We saw a few people who were burned to a cinder. If you're going to get sunburned on a vacation, it's probably better to do it near the end. I burn easily, so I started off with #30 sun block, switching later in the week to #15. Sophie, on the other hand, can stand in front of an open refrigerator and get a tan from the little light bulb. Even so, she used sun block, I think #4.
This was the first time Sophie and I stayed at an all-inclusive. We don't drink much, and we thought that perhaps we would, in effect, subsidize others who do. Also, we were concerned that the food might be mediocre, since to some degree there is a captive audience. I can categorically state that neither of these issues was a problem. We thought the meals were exceptional, at both the regular facility and Pastafari's, the on-site Italian restaurant. And when you consider the cost of eating at outside restaurants, probably the incremental amount included in the all-inclusive rate is a bargain.
Our airline ticket problem was ultimately resolved without incident. In hindsight I spent too much time worrying about it. That said, if we have a choice, we'll opt for normal plane tickets and boarding passes the next time we travel.
Sitcom-dependent travelers should note that there are no televisions in the rooms. I found that to be a distinct advantage, though many will disagree. We were unable to use our MCI telephone card. An MCI representative told me that they have blocked the entire island of Jamaica, due to credit card fraud. To talk with the little kiddies, we called collect a couple of times, which turned out to be quite expensive.
As noted, there were some rather public displays of intimacy. I overheard a comment that if God had intended this sort of thing to occur in public, he wouldn't have given us VCRs. If you don't want to witness it, for the most part it is easy to avoid. If you are looking for that type of entertainment, you can find it without an exhaustive search.
Before our trip, Sophie was a little concerned about Hedonism's reputation as a place where people casually exchange sexual partners. From what I understand, sometimes organized groups of swingers vacation there. Apparently this was not the case, at least not on a large scale, during our stay. Nobody approached us with any offers, but of course that might say more about me than I really want to know.
Inexplicably, we never made it to Veronica's Piano Bar on site, nor to Rick's Cafe, off the resort. Also, we had considered going on one of the catamaran cruises, but the one we would have joined was canceled due to the weather. We have heard that all these were lots of fun, and next time we intend to try them.
In our limited travel experience, Hedonism II is unique. We had a wonderful time and will definitely return for another round.
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Richard & Sophie
Many thanks to Sophie and Richard for this fine report. - Denny