Dale & Kathy's Hedonism II Report - 08/97

BACKGROUND: Kathy (45) and I (Dale, 47) went to Hedonism II for the first time last August, after much deliberation and anxiety. Shortly after our arrival last year, we both felt we’d screwed up and would feel out of place & be bored. Our vacations prior to that trip had been American or overseas "see-everything" trips that always brought us home exhausted. Needless to say, we got into the groove, drank more that week than we had in the previous year & had a great time. Hedo’s the only place we’ve ever returned to (except London) and the only all-inclusive resort we’ve ever been to. Although there were opportunities to party more than we cared to, we met some wonderful people and, as Kathy says, experienced some great "bonding". We’ve been married 25 years and our time at Hedo was great for us as a couple.

THE TRIP DOWN: Being the Hedo experts we now are, we decided to stay for ten nights this year instead of seven and take the earliest flight in available. We live in Baton Rouge, took a 5:00 am Delta flight from New Orleans to Atlanta and connected to an 8:45 am Air Jamaica flight to Montego Bay. We selected Air Jamaica because they code-share with Delta & we’ve had nothing but good luck with Delta (I’ve flown more than eighty segments on Delta so far this year). Needless to say – we didn’t get much sleep the night before, but the flights were uneventful. Air Jamaica does cram you in like cattle going to slaughter, but we arrived alive and were happy to be heading to Hedo. The Superclubs reps met us as we entered the ground transportation area and got us to a waiting mini-bus within minutes. Tipped the porter $5 – about twice the going rate of a dollar a bag – I suspect they needed the money more than I. The bus ride was uneventful and saved us a couple hundred dollars over the little-plane choices. I’d have to say, unless you’ve got money to squander, the bus is the only way to go – free, easy, and it only gets you to check-in about a half to one hour later than Tim Air or the Air Jamaica Shuttle. Total driving time was about 1:40, including a brief stop for a Red Stripe.

CHECK-IN & THE ROOM: Uneventful (though the room wouldn’t be ready for another two hours). So we ate & watched the wet t-shirt competition. We were in the room, unpacked and in the nekkid pool in nothing flat. Rooms are the same: VERY slow toilet flushes if you’re on the first floor, fluctuating hot & cold water, marginal air conditioning (but adequate), widespread but minor disrepair. Got a clock radio they didn’t have last year! Plus the normal tiled floor, cheap furniture, mirrors over the bed and single candle to spice up the night life.

By the way – we had several couples we wanted to meet up with that we had "met" on the internet (mostly Denny’s visitors’ schedule) – but no last names. This proved a real problem at the front desk and, even after finding one couple’s names on that day’s check-in list, the message was never delivered. Suggestion: if you really want to meet, then share your last names so you can find each other once you’re there. Or e-mail a jpg face shot. But certainly don’t count on help from the front desk.

THE PEOPLE: In ten days, we saw ‘em come and we saw ‘em go. From the party group that liked to swap partners and put on public displays (six blow jobs by six girls "all-in-a-row" with a little musical chairs thrown in for fun), to the newly married groom diligently servicing his bride in the hot tub at one in the afternoon. The later arrival of the "older" folks provided a stark change to the prior week’s demeanor. Last year we were focused on each other; this year we were more social than is normal for our personalities and lifestyles. We met great couples from Nebraska (home town omitted to protect the guilty), Denver, Boston, New Orleans and even New York City! As a consequence, we seldom ate alone and virtually always attended the functions with one or two other couples. One thing is certain – you can make your stay at Hedo whatever you want.

THE REPEATERS’ COCKTAIL PARTY: We weren’t invited to the reception the Wednesday after we arrived (yes, we felt slighted), but rather to the one the night before we left. I guess that way you get to know "what might have been". Anyway, the free week was won by a beautiful couple celebrating their 59^th (!!) wedding anniversary, on their 12^th trip to Hedo. We were promised the plumbing problems would be resolved within a month. And Hedo III should open in September, 1999.

THE FOOD: In a word, dismal. Minimal variety and questionable quality. We talked with MANY couples and individuals who complained of significant G-I problems. Thankfully, we never got sick and, it’s certainly possible those who did had other problems – though most were not heavy drinkers. On our second lobster night (Tuesdays), we were happy with our grilled lobster, but one of our friends complained her lobster tails smelled like ammonia. My sense of smell is poor, but she was absolutely right – there weren’t no doubt! And, while I certainly understand the formidable problems they must face, I’m still not convinced spraying the tables down to kill the bugs, then placing glasses face-down on the tables (along with your napkins) is a prudent approach. Anyway – all survived and I didn’t get too much fatter for the experience. And, truth be known, I doubt ANYONE goes to Hedo for the food (no offense intended).

THE ACTIVITIES: PJ night was fun – though we typically can only stand about 45 minutes to an hour of the heat, smoke, noise and prudes fully dressed before we retire to the nude pool. First PJ night was pitiful – prudes in long pants, dresses, everything but sleepwear. Second PJ night was better, with at least a minimal attempt by the activities directors to police the non-conforming prudes.

Toga night was also fun. But I really tire of the "no sheet – no eat" slogan when NO attempt is made to move the folks in full clothing out. There was even one woman who joined in the Toga Procession wearing a white dress. Did she think no one would notice?? More importantly, the resort’s failure to uphold their own rules turns a good experience into a major irritant.

The wet t-shirt contest & "battle of the sexes" were both great – both weeks. The "Hedo Dollars" given to contestants appeared somewhat random, but the activities were, in general, fun for the participants and voyeurs alike.

The Nude Cruise was okay. Depends on the crowd going. We enjoyed it even though we went last year. Point to remember: at $40 per person it’s not cheap, the snorkeling is mediocre at best, the on-board bar is okay. But…..the people almost always seem to have a lot of fun. And, if you want to go a second time the same week (the c/o cruises are Tuesdays and Saturdays), the second time is half price.

The activities directors were great. It must be horrible having to smile ALL the time.

If you’ve got bucks to spare, you can stay at Grand Lido & get a day pass to Hedo for $45 per person per day. Also, if you’re going to stay a week, a taxi ride into town and to Rick’s Caf probably isn’t a bad deal. We took a $10 pp shopping tour with "Mr. Smith", who also threw in quickie stops at the lighthouse & Rick’s. My new NYC buddies told me the Cuban cigars were a pretty good deal (of course we know you can’t bring them back to the States with you), going for about half the going price as "in the city". We found it was best to buy liquor at the airport though. Appleton 12 y/o rum was $14 in town plus 15% tax compared to $12.50 at the airport duty-free shop with no tax charged. Also, at the airport they’ll box up your liquor in carry-on boxes for you and even throw in a free half-pint of rum. Please make sure you tip the box-boy a few dollars. The Appleton 21 y/o rum was $60 at Hedo, $80 at GL and $47 in town (plus 15%). At the airport it was $44 with no tax. Didn’t have time to look at anything else – was hauling ass to catch our plane.

SECURITY: Should be shot. There was absolutely no control of the prude gawkers who decided to visit the nude beach for drinks, food or even to swim, sunbathe and gawk. Even when Kathy (who gets much more offended than I – after all, I admit I’m a voyeur so I can identify with those folks) complained to security, they would only sometimes, begrudgingly, wander on down the beach to occasionally confront the perpetrator(s). It was not unusual to see single guys in swim trunks at the same spot on the nude beach for over an hour. It certainly wasn’t like this last year. And I’d have to say, weak security is probably the most likely failing to affect the return rate of the true Hedo fans.

CHECK-OUT AND RETURN HOME: Big bit of advice here. We were scheduled for the 3:55 pm Air Jamaica flight. Turned our luggage into the Air Jamaica desk in the "lobby" about 10:30. Best deal going. If you’re on Air Jamaica, do it! We were scheduled for the 1:00 pm bus back to Montego Bay. Big error in judgement. Do your own arithmetic and make sure you’re scheduled to leave FOUR hours early, not three. Why? Because our bus wasn’t there at 1:00. "No problem, Mon. Bus soon come, soon come." So it finally got there at 1:20, and we actually pulled out about 1:30 (kudos to the driver). And "no problem Mon, that’s the land-plane. Very fast." Huh? Looked like a bus to me. And what the hell’s a "land-plane"?? Anyway, the driver did well……until we got to the 5 km mark (from the airport). Then the traffic stopped. Twenty minutes later and we’re at the 4.5 km mark. Fifteen minutes later and we’re at the 4 km mark. Plane leaves at 3:55. It’s now 3:25. Those were non-refundable L-class tickets. Ten days of erasing stress down the crapper. Anyway, got into the airport with about 20 minutes to go before departure (tipped the driver five bucks – he did his best) and there’s about 300 people in the Air Jamaica check-in lines. No exaggeration here. But – we already checked in at Hedo so we can go right to the gate. And we made it.

Then Air Jamaica tells us there’s a bunch of people coming in from Kingston & we’re going to wait for them. For an hour. No joke. So we finally leave about 60 minutes late. Got a 1-1/2 hour connection in Atlanta. There goes the damn stress again – Kathy’s got a graduate-school entry test the next morning at 8:00. Don’t know if we’re going to make it. So, after the flight attendants tell us we can have complementary wine, champagne or Red Stripe beer, we figure there’s no better time than the present. "Sorry, we’re all out of Red Stripe." We were in the fourth row of coach and nobody else ordered beer. Kinda makes you wonder. After hitting the normal Atlanta holding pattern for twenty minutes, there was no way we were going to make our connection. Thankfully there was a midnight flight got us home about two in the morning.

By the way - we later found out one of the couples we had met at Hedo left on the same flight the previous day – and was kept waiting for an hour & a half for a group from Kingston – and then missed their return flight from Atlanta to Nebraska. Doesn’t Air Jamaica learn?? Or do they simply not care??

When we deplaned, the police were in the jetway with their dog and asked all the passengers to pass single file. For some reason, the college-age kid that sat next to Kathy on the flight suddenly got sheet-white, muttered he left something on the plane and hauled ass back on board. I wonder what the clean-up crew found.

Conclusion: Use Air Jamaica if you have to, but certainly don’t expect the professionalism you’d normally get with Delta or one of the other major US carriers.